How to Protect Your Child's Mental Health When Approaching or Weathering a Divorce

• Divorce does not have to be bad for kids.

• Parents staying in unhappy marriages can be bad for kids’ mental health.

• Many parents are struggling with the other parent “letting down” the child.

• Recognizing that you and your child are having different experiences.

• Getting support for your child makes a big difference in how kids weather divorce.

• There are many, many ways to be a happy family.

• It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

• Parenting an anxious child is confusing and exhausting. It’s hard to make the right decisions when those decisions aren’t always clear.

If you would like to speak with one of our family law attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.

If you're interested in getting in touch with Dawn, you can do so by visiting her website: https://childanxietysupport.com/

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Dawn Friedman
Yeah, so because people always ask is my child's anxiety, my fault? And I say, No, it's not your fault. But the parent is going to have to be the one who changes things up because kids are kids. And they're really not capable of doing the kind of big personal change that we want them to do. And it's actually why it shifted my practice from working with kids directly, and working with parents directly. Because I realized, I need to work with the parents to help them figure out how to take good care of their themselves, how to create a healthy culture in their home. And that is what is ultimately going to change their child's behavior. But the other thing I tell people is your parenting is not the problem. It's the solution. Because people think I've been parenting wrong, I've been parenting wrong, instead of saying, my relationship with my child is powerful. How can I shift things in my relationship with my child to improve things in the parenting? So it's not that you've been doing things wrong, it's that maybe you need to do things in a different way. Now, lots of times it's because the way we've been parenting was working. And then our kid outgrew it. And we're not sure how to outgrow it with our child, how to, to up our game a little bit. And I can remember that with my own kids, they'd hit a new stage and I'd go I don't know how to parent this stage. It's because I had to parent differently, but it doesn't mean that what I was doing before was wrong. It just didn't work anymore for this new stage in parenting.

Steve Altishin
So let's kind of get to what kind of things can help and this is where you obviously step in. You you talk about it, it takes a village and in And obviously, it's more than just maybe like a therapist, what sort of help is out there? I mean, what kinds of things and like in school or or, you know, like you said, a therapist or you know, anyone I mean, what kind of people should be getting into the mix?

Dawn Friedman
Yeah, I think the answer is whoever helps your child feel safe, connected and supported. And that can look really different depending on the child and depending on the family.

So yes, therapists can absolutely help. And especially if your child is really struggling with anxiety, depression, behavior changes, school refusal, sleep issues, things like that. But therapy is not the only answer.

Teachers can be incredibly supportive if they know what’s going on. School counselors can help. Coaches can help. Trusted extended family members can help. Sometimes kids need another adult outside the family who feels emotionally safe to them.

And honestly, sometimes the support is practical support for the parent. Somebody helping with meals. Somebody helping with transportation. Somebody giving the parent space to rest. Because again, when parents are supported, they are better able to support their children.

I also think it’s important to remember that anxious children are exhausting. I say that with so much compassion for parents because parenting an anxious child can feel incredibly confusing. You try one thing and it works for a while and then suddenly it doesn’t. Or what works for one child completely backfires with another child.

So parents really need support that helps them stay regulated themselves, because anxious kids tend to pull adults into their anxiety. And then suddenly everybody’s anxiety is driving the decisions in the house.

Steve Altishin
That makes so much sense because when everybody’s anxious, nobody really feels stable anymore.

Dawn Friedman
Exactly. And anxiety loves certainty. But divorce is full of uncertainty. So part of helping children through divorce is helping them learn that they can survive uncertainty.

That doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It means saying things like, “Yeah, this is hard,” or “We don’t know exactly what everything will look like yet, but we’ll figure it out together.”

Kids don’t need certainty nearly as much as they need confidence that the adults around them can handle hard things.

Steve Altishin
That’s powerful. Because I think a lot of parents think they have to have all the answers before they talk to their kids.

Dawn Friedman
No. And honestly, sometimes trying too hard to sound certain can actually make children more anxious because kids are incredibly perceptive. They know when adults are pretending.

It’s okay to say, “I don’t know yet.” It’s okay to say, “We’re still figuring things out.” The key is helping them feel emotionally safe while things are uncertain.

Steve Altishin
Before we wrap up, if there’s one thing you’d really want parents to remember when they’re navigating divorce and helping anxious children, what would it be?

Dawn Friedman
I think I would want parents to remember that divorce does not automatically damage children.

Children are incredibly resilient when they have supportive relationships, emotionally available parents, and space to process their feelings safely.

You do not have to create a perfect life for your child. You need to create a connected one.

And if your child is struggling, that is not proof that you’ve failed. It’s proof that they’re human. We all struggle during transitions.

Steve Altishin
Dawn, this has been absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much for being here today and talking with us.

Dawn Friedman
Thank you so much for having me.

Steve Altishin
And thank you everyone for joining us today. If anyone has further questions on today’s topic, you can post them here and we can help connect you with Dawn. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our website at pacificcascadelegal.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.

Dawn Friedman
Well, I think I think reaching out to your child's school is great, because many of them do have resources for kids whose parents are divorcing, because it's super common, it's super common. So they can help especially if your child is younger, making sure that they're connecting with other kids are having similar experience. So they have lunch bunches, or after school clubs or things. So reaching out to the school is great. And also to let them know if your child is struggling a little bit with the transition, that people are aware of that or if there is some tension between you and your child's other parent, they can be aware of that too, because they can, they can help you through some of this. So I would definitely reach out to the child's school. The other thing is, I would look for support groups. And depending on where you are in the country, a lot of support groups are online now because you deserve people who appreciate what you're doing, and have been there done that. And you should get to be have been there done that for somebody else, because it feels really good to also be a support system. For somebody else. It's a reminder that you are a strong person with with wisdom and information. And then as to therapy, I don't think I get a lot of parents who call and immediately want to get their child into therapy for divorce, I don't think it's always necessary. Divorce is not necessarily a traumatic event that requires therapy. Now, if your child is really struggling, if you feel overwhelmed with your child struggling, by all means, reach out to a therapist. But again, I don't necessarily think every single kid whose parents are divorcing automatically should get a diagnosis of mental health diagnosis and get help that way. But if you are struggling, I would think about therapy for you, including if you're struggling with your parenting, because again, if you're struggling with your parenting, the solution is often how can you do things differently? Not how can you make your child do things differently. So reach out, see what resources there are, talk to a therapist that's local to you and can talk about what's going on. My program is specifically for people who are parenting children, who either meet criteria for anxiety diagnosis, or who are just so anxious, they're driving their parents a little crazy. And there are other programs like mine, too, for different situations in different kids, there is a lot out there, you might have to look for it.

Steve Altishin
Look into what you do. So I come into your, in this day and age may not have come into your office, or we're talking like we are now. And I say just that my kids are just super anxious all the time it's happened since the divorce started. Where do you start with them? I mean, kind of goes through your process a little bit?

Dawn Friedman
Sure. So the very first thing is people can make, they can do a console call with me. And it is just like this, it can be on the phone or on Zoom. Because this program is virtual. So wherever you are, you can do it with me. And that's the first thing we do is you tell me what's going on with your child. And I tell you a little bit more about the program. And together we decide does this make sense? Or do I have some other ideas that maybe you should try first. So for example, sometimes I'm talking to a parent, and I say, you know, I think maybe an occupational therapy evaluation might be the first step before you come to me. That's just an example. But so we talk a little bit, you asked me questions, I asked you questions. And then the first thing that happens when you come into the program is you take an anxiety screener for your child, and also for yourself, so we can be really clear what's happening for both of you, and start creating a program that's going to be personalized for you.

Steve Altishin
I was just gonna ask that. I was thinking, How do I know? I mean, what if I don't know if there's suffering for anxiety? I mean, I know some things are doing. But but you know, what kind of content be off? I mean, there's done a FAQ out there, or is that what this is?

Dawn Friedman
So the screener is a little bit like that it it tells you kind of raised your kid on it a number of things, but it's really interesting that often a parent will come in to me and report their child is really anxious. We do the screener and the child is not the parent is but that's okay because the program looks at the parents behavior. And it changed helps you change your behavior so that your whole family can work on their anxiety. I would say 95% of the time if the child is anxious, so is at least one of the parents And so that is the other reason they're often anxious about their child's anxiety. So we dig into that. And my program technically, is six weeks, people usually stay in there two to three months, the first 30 days are free. So they can try it out, see if it fits into their life. And some people stick around for a long time, just because they like to be able to check in with me and and say, hey, my kid is doing this thing. What should I do about it? And we do a quick back and forth about it.

Steve Altishin
You know, obviously, that makes me think that divorce isn't really a static thing. It, it's, you know, kind of leading up to it, it's through the process. It's after the process, and it's after the process at all stages of the child's life. I mean, there's got to be sort of a almost a growth, but it's, it's, it's a moving target sometimes, ya know, anxious.

Dawn Friedman
Yeah, well, well, and part of that is because developmentally, every time a child moves into a next stage of development, development, they need to learn everything again. So I, my daughter is adopted, and we have a fully open adoption. And her understanding of her open adoption changed over the 18 years that I have been parenting her. So there were many issues that we would revisit at different stages of development, and she had a new perspective, and new feelings, and new complications about so divorce is the same way I think of divorce is a lot like open adoption, because it's complicated family relationships, that we're always trying to negotiate and make good decisions. And those good decisions shift is our kids shift. And again, what made sense when she was eight didn't make sense when she was 14, we all were having to reinvent it all of the time.

Steve Altishin
It just, it kind of reminds me of my kids, and you know, they eat, they get to a point where they're, you know, unmanageable. Difficult. And you're thinking, Oh, my God, you know, it's kind of like that, that, you know, behavior. What does this mean? Or is this like, you know, anxious, and it made me think, are there different, either kinds of ways of being anxious, or stages of life, where if you do it, when you're a it, maybe it does mean this, but if you do like money, you're 19, it really doesn't necessarily mean that.

Dawn Friedman
Yes, so if you have a five year old, who's climbing into your bed at night, that's not a typical eight or nine year old, it's getting a little less typical 12 or 14, definitely something else is going on there. But also separation anxiety. And young children often morphs into social anxiety as they get older, so the child who never wants you to leave, or who never leaves, you might be the child who struggled socially, when they had towards middle school. So those are shifts we can kind of look for, mostly, if you have an anxious brain, which is somebody who's a little more negative, a little more, looking for danger to good quality, unless it's out of control. That kid who who is a little more anxious when they were younger, is likely to remain a little more anxious. And so they need to learn how to cope with being an anxious person. There are times where developmentally I see anxiety rise, that tends to be around five around eight. And then in early adolescence, I see more people are calling my office concerned about their anxious kids.

Steve Altishin
Even like going into college age?

Dawn Friedman
Oh gosh, yeah, any big change, we would expect anxiety to rise, which is one reason why in a divorce, I would expect anxiety to rise that divorce didn't cause it. Again, transitions mean, we're concentrating on a whole lot of things. And wherever we're struggling, we'll be struggling a little bit more.

Steve Altishin
Oh, my gosh, we're getting close to the end, unfortunately. But I do want to ask one more question. Actually, two more questions. So does this mean you're changing behavior? Does this mean like the goal is to make them not do something? Or is the goal make them make their brain pattern want to have another phrase? Get a little more? Not so high stress? Or is it they go together?

Dawn Friedman
It's pretty complicated. But basically, to simplify it, we want to teach our children not to avoid the things that scare them. So if you think about anxiety is about avoidance and anxiety when it's dysfunctional, is avoidance when avoidance is unnecessary. So if I never go to a birthday party, because I'm too shy, that's anxiety that's avoidance. We don't want kids to avoid those things. We want to teach them how to do it anyway, even if they're anxious, even if they're uncomfortable. So as a parent, we can think about things that we have On that scare, it's like being on this podcast is a little nerve racking for me it's public speaking, you know. But the opportunity is so great that I'm just going to suck it up buttercup and show up, I'm just going to be a manage those symptoms and show up, because I've learned how to manage my anxiety about public speaking. So we don't want to change who our children are, we want to strengthen their strong parts, so they can manage their more anxious parts. And that means we need to teach them how to not avoid and how to cope with those big feelings. And that's complex work. And we're the ones who have to lead them through it.

Steve Altishin
Wow, I got ever really looked at it quite that way. It's not the Okay, you stopped doing that, necessarily. It's a whole nother thing. And that actually probably bleed it into my last question, which is we're about, we're about to have to go. And I want to make sure you have time to give people your contact information. But before we do that journey, last words, I always like to ask you last words of wisdom that I didn't ask about or we didn't talk about that, you know, you would say, Well, if you have to remember anything, remember this?

Dawn Friedman
No, I think you hit the real important things. I think you hit them.

Steve Altishin
All right. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here. Again, before we go, let everyone know your contact information, how they can get a hold of you.

Dawn Friedman
So you can email me at dawn@childanxietysupport.com Or go to childanxietysupport.com and contact me there, my phone numbers on there, you're welcome to text me or call me. You can use the contact page. You can also sign up for my newsletter. If you're concerned that you are struggling with your child's anxiety, there is a quiz called the parenting pitfalls quiz. And when you take that quiz, it helps you figure out are you helping your child avoid anxiety in ways that are not good for either of you? So you can take the quiz, see what you think you need to talk to me about it, you can reach out and do that.

Steve Altishin
Thank you so much. It's really wonderful. Being able to talk someone who can take really complex, you know, science and, and make it understandable for people like me. So thank you so much for being here today.

Dawn Friedman
Thank you for having me. I love that you offer this resource for your clients and the world beyond.

Steve Altishin
Well, we do this because we get the kind of the ability to hear the kind of stuff you just said today. And so that was just that was just great. So everyone else. If you have any questions on today's topic, you can post it here, we can get contacted with Don again, she gave you her information and go straight to her but don't feel like you can't get if you forgot her stuff because you guys contact us. And until next time, stay safe. Stay happy be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Landerholm family law and Pacific cascade family law serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel, or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at Landerholm law.com or Pacific cascade family law.com. You can also call our headquarters at 5032270 200. To schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the Modern Family

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Landerholm Family Law and Pacific Cascade Family Law, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at landerholmlaw.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.