Preparing to Enter a Blended Family: A Stepparents Guide to Finding Contentment in Your Parenting Role

• Unique challenges that blended families can face.

• How to prepare to enter into a stepparent relationship in a way that honors yourself, your spouse, and your stepchildren.

• The importance of open communication within a blended family when experiencing a shift in family dynamics.

• How to resist comparisons—marriage and parenting are not contests.

• How to lovingly detach from things that are outside of your control.

• …and much more!

If you would like to speak with one of our attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.

If you're interested in getting in touch with Amy, you can do so by visiting her website at https://www.amysaysso.com/

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Steve Altishin
Oh, I mean, seriously, you know, because, and I think it's not just the step parents, it's the spouse that they are joining with. I mean, they're trying to make this work. And you know, what are what are some of those things that are sort of on the list that, you know, what can people do to try to make this work better and not end up in that stereotype?

Amy Stone
Yeah, absolutely. So one of the very first things that I tell people is to slow down and let relationships develop naturally. And that sounds simple, but it's really hard because when adults fall in love, they often want everybody else to immediately feel the same way. And children don't operate like that. Kids need time. They need consistency. They need trust. And one of the biggest mistakes that happens is adults trying to force closeness before it naturally exists.

And so one of the things that I really encourage people to do is release expectations around instant bonding. You don't have to immediately feel like a parent to these children. They don't have to immediately see you as a parental figure. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is just become a safe, stable adult in their life and let the relationship evolve over time.

Steve Altishin
That makes a lot of sense because I imagine if somebody comes in trying too hard, it can actually create resistance.

Amy Stone
Exactly. Especially for children who are already navigating a huge emotional transition. Maybe their parents divorced recently. Maybe they’re still grieving changes in the family structure. Maybe they feel loyalty conflicts, like “If I like my stepmom, am I betraying my mom?” Kids can carry a lot emotionally that adults don’t always recognize.

So I tell adults all the time: don’t take everything personally. If a child is distant or hesitant or awkward, that does not automatically mean they dislike you. Sometimes it just means they’re adjusting.

And honestly, adults are adjusting too. You’re suddenly trying to figure out: What’s my role? Do I discipline? Do I not discipline? How involved should I be? What if I disagree with my spouse’s parenting style? Those are huge questions.

Steve Altishin
I imagine communication becomes really important there.

Amy Stone
Communication is everything. And not just communication with the kids, but communication between the adults. Because one of the fastest ways for resentment to build in a blended family is when expectations are unspoken.

One person assumes the other person is going to handle discipline. One person assumes finances are going to work a certain way. One person assumes holidays are going to look a certain way. And then nobody actually talks about it until someone is upset.

So I encourage couples to have very open conversations before problems happen whenever possible. Talk about routines. Talk about parenting expectations. Talk about finances. Talk about boundaries with ex-spouses and extended family. Talk about holidays and traditions and schedules.

Because blended families often involve a lot of moving pieces, and if people aren’t communicating clearly, misunderstandings happen really quickly.

Steve Altishin
One of the things you mentioned earlier that I thought was really interesting was comparisons.

Amy Stone
Oh my gosh, comparisons are brutal in blended families. People compare everything. They compare parenting styles. They compare marriages. They compare houses. They compare traditions. They compare relationships with the kids.

And comparison almost always creates suffering because somebody ends up feeling like they’re losing a competition that nobody actually agreed to participate in.

I see this especially with stepparents who feel like they’re constantly being measured against the biological parent. And that’s a painful place to live emotionally.

So one of the things I really encourage people to do is stop treating relationships like contests. Your marriage does not need to look like someone else’s marriage. Your relationship with your stepchildren does not need to look identical to their relationship with their biological parent. It’s okay for relationships to be different.

And honestly, the healthiest blended families I see are the ones where people stop trying to “win” and instead focus on creating peace and connection inside their own home.

Steve Altishin
That sounds difficult sometimes, especially when there are things outside your control.

Amy Stone
Absolutely. And that’s another huge lesson in blended families: learning how to lovingly detach from things you cannot control.

You cannot control your spouse’s ex. You cannot control how the children feel on any given day. You cannot control whether holidays go perfectly. You cannot control what other people say or think about your family.

But you can control how you respond. You can control the kind of environment you help create in your own home. You can control your communication. You can control your boundaries.

And honestly, a lot of peace comes from realizing that not every problem needs to become your emergency.

Steve Altishin
That’s powerful.

Amy Stone
I think one of the hardest things for people entering blended families is that they want certainty. They want guarantees that if they do everything right, everybody will eventually be happy and connected and harmonious all the time.

But families are made up of human beings. And human beings are messy. Relationships evolve. People grow. Kids change. Situations shift.

So instead of trying to force perfection, I really encourage people to focus on flexibility, compassion, communication, and patience. Those things tend to create much healthier outcomes long term.

Steve Altishin
Before we wrap up, if somebody listening today is about to enter a blended family situation and they’re nervous, what would you want them to know?

Amy Stone
I would want them to know that it’s okay for this to feel hard sometimes. Difficulty does not automatically mean failure.

Blended families can absolutely become loving, supportive, joyful families. But they usually don’t happen instantly. They take intention. They take communication. They take realistic expectations. And they take grace—for yourself and for everybody else involved.

You do not have to do everything perfectly to build meaningful relationships.

Steve Altishin
Amy, this has been fantastic. Thank you so much for sitting down with us today.

Amy Stone
Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

Steve Altishin
And thank you everyone for joining us today. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy, and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at pacificcascadelegal.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.

Amy Stone
Right, it's great. And you know, it's not really a competition. But you mentioned, you know, what is the difference between a lawyer, I'm not a lawyer, but a therapist and a life coach. And there is a pretty significant difference, right, like, so I observe the line. But one of the things is that like a coach, right? You people come to me and they say, I would like to feel better in this. And so we're working towards that we're working towards what are some things that we can do to enjoy this portion of our life better, whereas a therapist is, you know, maybe working on healing and therapy, right. And a lawyer is working on the things while you're the lawyer like the things that lawyers do. litigating and arguing contracts and rural following.

Steve Altishin
So I know you talked about communication, talking about communication, and that's a big deal, you say, especially kind of being open and that kind of stuff.

Amy Stone
That's the first one I lead with is open and humble communication. And so that would you like to know what that is? That's usually when people say that people read it, and they're like, What is that every what does it mean?

Steve Altishin
Yes, I think of humble and I know a lot of people think that means subservient and it doesn't.

Amy Stone
Oh yeah. No. And I think, you know, there's a lot of there's a lot of subservient advice in, in relationship counseling, I am not very good at being subservient. So that's not what I mean. So open to me is that it is really helpful to be willing to talk about really anything in a family, be willing to talk about anything that comes up the things that need to be talked about, talk about them directly with the people that need to be spoken about, you know, like, if you're if you're unhappy about the color of the carpet, you know, be willing to say, you know, I really this carpet color is not my favorite, right? Be willing to talk about it. That's a ridiculous topic, right? But the things that come up in a family are really big. Who's going to pay for the wedding who's going to pay for the house, hey, I lost my job. Hey, I think that, you know, cousin Susie's in trouble again, you know, oh, my gosh, if you sit me next to your Uncle Phil, at Thanksgiving, I might cry. Those are conversations that we have to have in families. And then the humble part is arguably more important. I often don't know what other people are thinking about things. And here's the other part of this. Sometimes I'm wrong. I've learned in my life. And so I found that in a family conversation, or really any conversation that if I can remind myself, that I might not be right. And more important, it doesn't probably usually matter if I'm right. When I go into the conversation, then the conversation will be more helpful overall.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, yeah. You said by myself, how does myself fit it? I mean, how do you think about yourself? That, to me, would be kind of challenging.

Amy Stone
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So do you mean, the in the conversation or just Who am I in the family now, just in the family? Yeah. So this is a this is arguably, and this isn't not a completely formed thought. But I think that this is one of the just crucial points of conflict in for a new step parent or a second spouse, is that it's a rapid identity change, that doesn't have a lot of systemic support. So if you are becoming a first time mom, you've got 40 weeks of like biological and procedural support, while you're stepping into that change. When you become a step parent, it really is like one day you are a single adult, and the next day, you've been given this title and this role with no instruction manual. So it's a very rapid thing. And so the process of figuring out, and this is different in every family, right? You know, what is my role in this family? What are people going to call me? How do I think of myself? What does it mean, you know, all of those things, that's a, that's an identity shift. And identity shifts are always hard. So shifting from a kid to an adolescent, not an easy change, shifting from an employee to a retiree. That's a big one. There's, there's lots of life changes that we go through. Sometimes there's more support to them than others. And this is one that's a rapid one. So for figuring out who I was, like, right now in my family, like I am the mom to my two kids, I am the wife to my husband, I'm the stepmom to my two stepkids, and the roles have changed over the years, like, what are my responsibilities? Those are changed over the years. And really, truthfully, in the first five years of our marriage, there was a lot of confusion over who is supposed to do what we had to open and humbly communicate. Hey, am I is it my job to do this? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to do this.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gotta be tough. Also, you're stepping in to someone else's relationships, you know, and they're on going. I mean, what do you do about that?

Amy Stone
Well, first, you ignore it because you don't know it's there. And then you worry a lot about it. There's actually for me, I felt very much like I was outside of a lot of things that were happening in my family. And then I realized that we were going through this process sort of set and I did not realize this on my own, like other people helped me figure it out. We I was stepping into, like, sort of traditions that were already there. And some of the traditions are real obvious, like holiday traditions and birthday traditions. Those we know, right? But in my house, my husband and his daughter had a pattern of where they wanted to sit on the couch and I didn't know about that. And they didn't they do didn't know that they didn't realize that I didn't know they didn't see it as a pattern, it was just the way they were living, you know. So all of those invisible things that are sort of culture in the in the preceding family, they carry them forward. And so it's a very unglamorous process of, you know, figuring it out and seeing it and realizing that no one's doing it on purpose. And then picking what you want to keep and picking what you're going to read you and what you're going to make your own. And sometimes that's new traditions. Sometimes it's honoring what was already there, which I think is a really, really important thing. I mean, the day that I picked up on the fact that it was important for her to sit in that spot on the couch. I was like, Oh, I get it, that's fine. I'm totally fine with that. Right? I'm totally fine with that. But before I realized that, that's what it was. I was very frustrated. And I also honor the fact that neither of them were aware that this was a pattern they had. Right, it's very hard to have these conversations, because nobody knows it's going on, you know, these are the things you do without noticing.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, it makes me think you know, of like, the first dinner you sit down to, and, you know, someone says, There's mushrooms in here, right?

Amy Stone
It's right, no, 100% It is like being a guest in your own house for a little while is a little bit how it feels. But it's one of those things is when you think about it in our houses, you know, we could sit at any place we want at the dinner table, right? Or the kitchen counter or right? But families tend to get into a habit of everybody sits in the same place. And then you know, you invite a girlfriend or a boyfriend over and they sit in the wrong spot and everyday way. That's not your chair, you didn't know that. But that's not your chair. That's a little bit about what's going on.

Steve Altishin
I know you talk about committing to working on the relationships, because that's obviously important. If I said, Well, what do you mean by commit? How do I go about this? How do I start committed?

Amy Stone
Oh, how do you start committing? For me, it was an awareness of the fact that the relationship by itself, what could be thought of as something that needed attention, right, instead of just the work of being together? Thinking of this is my marriage and do it? What am I willing to put what would help my marriage and thinking of the family? And like, what kind of family do we want to build? And so thinking of it conceptually as its own thing, and not just me, and you and me and them was a shift that I made that was like, Alright, if I'm going to work on the relationship, what would that mean? You know, so that was one of my first shifts.

Steve Altishin
I think we talked a little bit in the beginning about, you know, you want to end up by being happy, right? If you're one of your step kids loves to do something, but just for whatever reason, that doesn't necessarily make you happy watching for whatever reason, how do you get yourself to the point where you can be happy? I mean, who's in charge of you being happy?

Amy Stone
What in my opinion, I'm the only person in charge or maybe unhappy and you're the only person in charge is up and happy. And that is one of the and I would apply that out to all the other emotions, too. That is one of the hardest things in in this whole adulting gig. I won't give step parenting the credit for this. But the fact that, you know, I just can't make it anybody else's job to create my happiness was, you know, it's just, it's exhausting sometimes, but I'm in charge of my own emotions. And it's funny, I don't know, it's interesting that I focus on happiness. Within the family space. It's like, you know, we talked about commitment, and we talked about love. And we talked about passion. And we talked about all of these things. And happiness for me, is a worthwhile goal in itself, like not happiness. 10 days from now, not happiness. 18 years from now, when they move the kids move out of the house, not happiness when something we win the lottery. But figuring out how to enjoy the life, maybe not 24 hours a day, blissfully joyfully happy but generally contentment is, I think, a valid goal for people who are in families. And it's funny because we don't work on it very much. We don't talk about it very much. Like there's a lot of attention in the family space about fixing problems, diagnosing issues, getting married, getting divorced, separating cohabitating co parenting agreements, all of these things. And if I could stand on top of the mountain and just say, what would it take for you to be happy? Like if you spend five minutes in the morning and say, These are the things that I think would make me happy? You know, I think that's really important work. I do.

Steve Altishin
Oh, that makes so much sense. It's, I mean not many people get divorced because they're happy. Right?

Amy Stone
Right. But how many Yeah, right. And a lot of people are happy when they got divorced, right, which is, which is a truth after the divorce. surveys say a lot of people are happy. But you know, there are definitely things that carry through no matter what What and so you're figuring out how to be happy. Regardless of what else is happening is it is that I mean, you can't ignore. I don't live in a land of rainbows and unicorns. So I don't want to make it sound like I'm postponing that. There's like utopian bliss, wherever you are. But you know, figuring out the things that you enjoy, so that you can include them are good. So say you've got a kid, a step kid who's in travel sports, right? Travel sports are a massive family commitment. Massive, right? I don't know if you've been through this, right. And even if you love that sport, say you also are passionate about the sport that this is travel sports will beat the joy out of everybody in the family. Like it's just a it's a brutal commitment, figuring out how to pack a lunch that you're going to enjoy or how to get, you know, listen, I will be happier if I have the deluxe chair and the cart, so I don't have to schlep this stuff for hours in and out of these tournaments. Stuff like that makes a huge difference in day to day life.

Steve Altishin
I want to ask two more questions, I'd love to 30 more, but we're running out of time. So I'm going to ask two more. One of the things that you say, or people do, I think we talked about, is they compare, they compare this marriage to that marriage That can't be good.

Amy Stone
Yeah. No, it's so easy to do that they're right. It's so easy to do. It's so easy to compare. And a lot of times there are similarities, right? A lot of times there are similarities, they can be a little bit freaky, but it's not a competition. And if we go into it trying to win, I don't know. Like, I mean, if they you might think you're there's never there's no judge, there's nobody who comes out it ever says listen, you win today, here's your gold store, you did it better. You did PTA better than the first, you know, the the other person. And in fact, my experience is that it with that competitive mindset. With me, I didn't realize how much work there was, is really what it was. So I was like, I'm gonna work real hard at this. And I'm gonna, you know, people are gonna say I did such a good job. What it was people were just so happy to have somebody else pick up some of the work. It's like, oh, thank you. Yeah, it's so nice to have some help. You can do as much as you want. And so it's very hard not to compare things to other dudes putting in the houses. You know, they're spending money in the way I didn't want, you know, they get to go on vacations, and we're paying for braces. I'm not gonna say that. That is a lot of fun to think about. But you know, thinking about what somebody else gets to do has never made me happy. Right versus focusing on what do I want to do that is going to make me happy?

Steve Altishin
Yeah. Okay, I was on your website. I love your website, by the way. We'll talk about it in a bit, it's really cool. But I saw a term that I have to admit, I kind of went, 'Huh'? And it was learn to lovingly detach, lovingly detach. What do you mean by that?

Amy Stone
So detachment is this idea, you know what detachment detachment is this idea that you can observe what's happening around you without getting involved with not without participating in the emotions of whatever's going on. And I add the word lovingly to that, because I really think that that helps with understanding the process. detaching from things that are happening in our family can feel really heavy and really, really emotionally draining. And for me, it's very helpful to say I'm doing this for love, right. So there are a lot of times in a blended family where as the step parent, it's, it's not really anything that I am involved in, this is more when the kids were little right, and the parents would have something that they were doing, and I'm not really involved in it. And a lot of having that focus that I'm doing this for love, love of Me Love of my husband, love for the kids. I'm going to let these people do this other thing, even if I don't agree with it, right? Even if I you know, think that it's gonna come back to bite me in the butt. I'm just gonna back off and let it go. And and also, you know, because you're like, what's the other option, you know, detach out of resentment. Like, we do that a lot. Like I see a lot of people do that, that I'm not getting involved, even though I know the way it should go. And so loving detachment is the other way. It's like, okay, right. I'm here if you need me. I'm watching this happen. I totally trust that you guys got this and I love you. I'll be here if you need me. That's loving detachment.

Steve Altishin
That's one of the, to me, that's huge, that really is, and maybe the hardest.

Amy Stone
It's not always easy.

Steve Altishin
It's not always easy, but we have run out of time. I hate that. But, I'm gonna still say, let's talk for just a few minutes. You're a coach. So some of the stuff we talked about is always a little bit in the generalized version, but you know, someone comes in to you, you're talking about them and these kinds of things. So can you tell us a little bit about, to everyone, how they can get a hold of you?

Amy Stone
Absolutely.Yeah, so my name is Amy Stone, which is like a super common name. But the name of my business is Amy Says So, which is a play on the whole thing about because I say so as a mom. So Amysaysso.com is my website. And that is where I try and funnel everything. All of the amazing stuff there. So I have some free resources that people can have and that's where you can find other ways to reach me. And that's amysaysso.com. That's where all the magic happens.

Steve Altishin
I love it. But what if someone from Oregon calls you up and says, Can I get some coaching?

Amy Stone
Yeah, I coach everywhere all over the place. I actually, because I'm not giving legal advice or tax advice, I work with very much an observed line. I'm coaching on what the situations are. And so I coach people all over the world. Yep.

Steve Altishin
I love it. I love it. Well, Amy thank you so much. Thank you for being with us. It was so cool. You know, you were able to make, you know preparing step parents to enter a new relationship understandable and informative. And you know, when you can do that, for someone like me, you that's been successful. So thank you so much.

Amy Stone
Happy to be here. Thank you,

Steve Altishin
Everyone else, thank you for joining us. If anyone has further questions on today's topic, you can also post it here and we can get you connected with Amy, so don't worry about that as well. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at pacificcascadelegal.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.