Practicing Smart Conflict When Navigating a Family Law Case

If you would like to speak with one of our attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.

To learn more about how Kat can help you, you can visit her website at: https://www.smartconflictbook.com/

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Steve Altishin 0:31
Hi, everyone. I'm Steve Altishin, Director of Client Partnerships are Pacific Cascade Legal. And today, I'm here with conflict togrowth navigator, change architect, and author, Kat Newport, to talk about practicing smart conflict when navigating a family law case. Hey, good morning, Kat. How you doing?

Kat Newport 0:54
I'm doing really good. Steve, how are you?

Steve Altishin 0:56
I'm doing well. Before we get started on this topic, which is fascinating. I want you to just maybe talk about yourself a little bit, and how you kind of got to, to working on this kind of stuff? Because it's fascinating stuff.

Kat Newport 1:13
Why do I voluntarily put myself in conflict? Yeah. Good. Work for a long time in corporate like a long, long time. I mean, I entered the corporate world when I was still in my teens. And unfortunately, my my conflict management skills were less than stellar, I think terrible would be a good term to use. And over the course of my career, they developed and I learned a lot of things the hard way. And I did some good things, though. But I did, I learned a lot of things the hard way. And closer to the end of my corporate career, I ended up doing org Dev and creating courses and information that would be helpful to my managers. And the most popular of those sessions was how to manage conflict in the workplace. So when I stepped out of corporate, knowing that conflicts remains a mystery, and how to manage healthy conflict remains a mystery to most folks. I figured to take all the hard won lessons and and apply that to conflict coaching, mediation, conflict, education, and writing my first book.

Steve Altishin 2:19
I love it. This is this is great, because, you know, the conference room to the divorce courthouse are just a few steps. It feels like in terms of conflict. I agree with you. And really, I mean, folks going through, you know, divorces, I mean, they often find themselves in an overwhelming conflict. And whether they're married, separated, divorced or divorcing, the kids always react negatively to poorly managed conflict. That's, that's one of the things we hear all of the time and how to keep this bad. Conflict at a minimum. And they're you've been working with folks, like you said, and wrote a book, and you call it, I love this word, smart conflict. So let's start kind of start with talking a little bit about how you came to develop it, and how the smart conflict helps folks potentially in this situations of being in a divorce or co parenting conflict?

Kat Newport 3:29
Smart conflict actually started out as sort of the the framework for the courses I've built and for the education I provide. So it was a way to formalize the concept into a really intellectual and easily digestible way to talk about a really emotional topic. Yeah. So really trying to put that in to the framework. And in divorce and work. I mean, where there are two people, you are going to have conflict period, and Dentons conflict is always relational. So when we talk about conflict in this context, we really have to pay attention to the relationships involved. And I love that you mentioned the children, that when you're in divorce, it's the relationship between you and your soon to be or ex partner. And that's the relationship we contend to focus on. But it's also the relationships around us, the extended families, the children that are also going to have to evolve as this partnership dissolves. So yeah, in a nutshell.

Steve Altishin 4:31
I like that. I like that. So let's talk about before we get into and SMART stands for SMA RT, which I always love those. But before we get into like the individual letters, what kinds of things it can help solve. I think at one point you you said something like transforming disputes into growth opportunities. I mean, you know, there's things that that come out of it that were One of the goals coming out of going into this system of conflict management.

Kat Newport 5:08
Very much, or I always equate conflict with creativity, as we sit here and evolve as two individuals together in this moment via conflict moment, but we are two individuals evolving either for good or for ill. However, that's going, we are creating something. So there's that that creativity, and if we can keep our eye on that growth potential, you know, what does this relationship look like after? How do I want to live my life? After what can I learn from this situation? What can we build out of this situation? How can we put our two ideas together to create something bigger and better and more profitable or fruitful for both of us?

Steve Altishin 5:48
I like that, and you use the word situation, which happens to be the s in smart contracts. So let's start with that, you know, I think you put something next to that yhsy was like, what is upsetting you? So the situation, and how does that kind of fit into the smart conflict stuff?

Kat Newport 6:08
What I found through all the years of dealing with conflict and human resource and union grievances and, and relationships and family relationships, is a lot of folks walk into conflict, not knowing what they're upset about. They're coming and going, I'm just really angry. So I'm gonna yell at Steve. That's it, not knowing why I want to yell at Steve not knowing why I'm angry. So really understanding the root of the situation comes into play. And I like to use the five why's? Well, I'm angry at Steve. Well, why is that? Well, Steve, talk to me in a way that I'm not comfortable with. Well, why does that upset you? Because I feel X and just go down those five why's to try and dig down to the root. A good example that comes up here is the story of the divorcing couple who's arguing over a slow cooker, the slow cooker they got on their wedding day. And it's a really knockdown, drag him out kind of fight, I want it you want it, I want it you want it, who actually uses a slow cooker these days, I don't know. This, this is the objects that they chose. And when you dug down through these five why's it was because the the crock pot actually represented family dinners. And the family that they were dissolving, that they would never be using it in the future was about that grief and loss associated with the dissolving of the units. And not necessarily that I must have this crock pot that that came in. So really understanding that situation, before you enter the room before you enter that conflict is super important.

Steve Altishin 19:28
And you mentioned several times conflict is relation. And so that's why I liked the R in your smart. And it's about relationships. And when you call future focused relationship, it's because you can get caught in a relationship thinking that can't ever change.

Kat Newport 19:49
The definition of unhealthy conflict is a conflict with no momentum. You get stuck in the moment. She did this. He did that she He did this. He did that. We're stuck in this moment and unable to move forward. Yes, they did that and they did that. It is it is your product. It is your fact. But where do we want to be now that all of this has happened next week? So we're taking that relationship and projecting it into the future gives you something to move towards. So you don't get stuck in unhealthy conflict.

Steve Altishin 20:26
Yeah, well, I love that. What can we do to keep our attention on the future? It's so easy to get, you know, you're doing it to get a pullback. But it's really important to try to keep that attention on the future in the midst of all of this.

Kat Newport 20:48
Very much so. So the first thing I would suggest is use your emotions as a trigger for reflection. Why is this upsetting me so much in the moment? What is this trying to tell me, as opposed to getting lost in it and saying something you may regret. But let the emotion take over. So using that emotion as a point for reflection, we talked about pausing already, that can give you that space and time you need to reflect a little bit. And when you're in the height of the emotion in the moment, think about yourself in the future, and how you want to feel in the future, is venting whatever emotion you're feeling now, going to bring peace to your future self. Forget about the partner for a minute, is this going to bring peace to your future self as you move forward? Is being right right now worth giving up peace of mind next year?

Steve Altishin 21:48
Yeah, that's so important. You know, for clients, so much on that, I want this, I want this. Now I want this little thing I just and forgetting. Okay, three years from now, five years from now, 20 years from now you got to sit with that other adult, on the bench watching your kids in a play or the game. So you've got to, like said, look forward. You also talk about prioritizing relationships. And I think that was fascinating. What do you mean by prioritize? It's not like I like my mom more than my dad.

Kat Newport 22:27
It's prioritizing the relationships more than the event. It's prioritizing the relationships more than the house more than the bank account more than the boats more than whatever. Because when it comes right down to it, it's the relationships that carry you through life. So prioritize the relationships over other things. If we're looking at this in an employment environment, you need to prioritize working with Jimmy over, you know, making sure Jimmy doesn't get the promotion over me. Because you got to work with this guy next week. And it's very much the same. But you said that you're going to sit on the bench watching the game with his parents for X number of years in the future, perhaps forever, at least or forever. You've really got to prioritize that. How do you want that to feel? And how do you want your children to see you? Do you want them to see you snipping back and forth at one another or unable to sit on the same bleacher you've got to sit on opposite ends? Because you just can't stand the sight of each other? You know, how is that that? How do you prioritize that now, so it's good later?

Steve Altishin 23:30
And later, at least in my mind, is it kind of flows to that time and place. It's about now, and it's about not now. And what do you kind of mean because you say time and place to optimize your outcome. So is it like, there's a right time and a wrong time to act?

Kat Newport 23:51
Very much so and it's very situational dependent. What I like to kind of throw in here is I think never go to bed angry, you know that advice you get never go to bed angry, I think has ended more marriages than it has actually saved. If you if you don't have the emotional capacity to talk about something really heated right now, forcing me to stay awake when I am tired to have an emotional conversation with you is not going to end well for either of us. It's okay to hit pause as long as you come back to that conversation when you're both ready. It's like asking the boss for a raise right before you have to tell the board of directors you have a deficit this year. You don't ask for a race then because the outlook is probably not so great on the outcome. You know, it's about optimizing that, or making your points or trying to get people on your side and having that argument you really wish you had with your partner last year at the family reunion. You now have an audience you both have your egos on the line. Your reputations are at play here. Everybody's watching who's on whose side. This is not the best place for conflict. You're not going to get a good outcome and the relationship, the future of the relationship will be negatively impacted in that instance. So really considering when and how you bring things up is important.

Steve Altishin 25:08
Yep. I know of clients who, as they're dropping their kid off and they're closing the door they say, Oh! I want this. It's like really, now? We have to talk about this? But it also doesn't mean just keeping the status quo and kind of delaying your action.

Kat Newport 25:31
This is not about conflict avoidance, this is not about put it on the shelf and forget it and just shove your emotions deep, deep down inside. This is about acknowledging that it's there, and you do need to have this difficult conversation. But you don't necessarily have to have it right now. And you don't necessarily have to have it in front of an audience. It's the intentionality of it.

Steve Altishin 25:53
Yeah, like that. We are just busting through to 30 minutes. But one of the things that, you know, we do a lot of this talk in law is, you know, the factors involved that a judge considers for this. So we're used to hearing, what factors should I consider when determining the right time and the right place?

Kat Newport 25:54
There's two sides to this. There's your side, and then there's their side? Yeah. Are you emotionally ready and able to have this conversation? Do you have enough time to have this conversation right now? You're not dropping off the kid and running out the door? Do you have enough time? Does the other person have the emotional capacity to deal with it right now? So here's this empathy piece. It's not just about whether or not you're ready, I'm ready to have this conversation right now, Gosh, darn it, and you're going to have it. If I'm not ready for it, again, the outcomes not going to be great, I'm not going to be able to respond to you the way in, you probably need me to and the way I best represent myself. So again, watch, if you need an audience, do you really need to do it at the family reunion? Do you need a lawyer present? Is this a safety thing? Do you feel more comfortable with having a third party there, just to help keep things a little calmer, so that you know, you can push that that pause button, all of these things come into play, and is having you know, my lawyer, they're going to trigger my partner is that going to need their lawyer, there's this going to be you know, you really have to consider what you need and what they need and find that perfect time and place when you both have the reserves and you're able to move forward.

Steve Altishin 27:42
I like that, I like that. You do all of this smart conflict, you've included the other side. Because, you know, a lot of conflict training seems to be all about what you're gonna do, and you do that, and this is for you. Just regardless of what's going on with the other person.

Kat Newport 28:07
As a conflict educator myself, I find a lot of programs do focus on resolution, say this to get this response, say that to get that response, it's very narrow and very concentrated on the flash points. I like to think of conflict in three phases. The first one is mitigation. What can we do right now to stop conflicts from jumping up in the future? How can I manage my relationship now, to stop those flash points? Then you come to the resolution part? How do I resolve this conflict in the moment? And then the part that most people forget is the third part, which is restitution or restoration? How do I restore balance in this relationship? How do I restore health in this relationship after the conflict is over? So there's two other parts on either, you know, one on either side of conflict resolution that you do have to consider and it's all relationship based.

Steve Altishin 29:03
Yeah, that is a nugget right there. The idea that you're not just resolving your conflict and resolving their conflict, I mean, and then you change your relationship that way. I love that. I love that. But before we go, I do want to give you time to say something about and help someone with if they want to get a hold of you. How would they do that?

Kat Newport 29:26
The easiest and best way to get a hold of me is through my website, which is www.smartconflictbook.com. You can see all my articles there, you can email me from there, you can book a consultation with me there. So best place is that and you can also hook up with me on LinkedIn.

Steve Altishin 29:42
I love it. I love it. And thank you, having said that, for joining us today. I mean, the insight that you gave was clear, navigable and understandable. And those are really valuable so thank you for for being here.

Kat Newport 30:01
Thank you so much for having me, really appreciate it.

Steve Altishin 30:03
I loved it. I also want to thank everyone else who tuned in today for joining us. If anyone has any questions on today's topic, you can actually post it here and we can also get you connected with Kat. And until next time everyone stay safe, stay happy, and have a great day.

Outro:
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