How Divorce Changes Your Relationship with... Well, Everything

• Your Relationship with Your Children

• Your Relationship with Your Home.

• Your Relationship with Your Finances

• Your Relationship with Your Family

• Your Relationship with Your Friends

• Your Relationship with Your Community

• Your Relationship with Yourself

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Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Kimberly Brown
Right, right. Families are really interesting in divorce situations, because there are some families that are able to stay in relationship with both parties after a divorce. But most families feel that they have to choose sides. And sometimes, the side they choose is not the side you thought they would choose. You know, your relationship with your siblings may change because your siblings had a relationship with your spouse, and now your spouse is gone. Your parents may feel awkward about whether they can still talk to your ex-spouse, especially if there are grandchildren involved. Holidays change. Traditions change. Who hosts Thanksgiving changes. Who goes to Christmas morning changes. Everything around the structure of family relationships shifts.

And sometimes people are grieving not only the loss of the marriage, but the loss of the extended family that came with that marriage. I have clients who say, “I miss my in-laws more than I miss my spouse.” And that’s real. Those were people they spent holidays with, raised children with, vacationed with. And now suddenly, because the marriage ended, there’s this expectation that those relationships disappear too.

There’s also the reality that family members have opinions about your divorce. Sometimes they’re supportive. Sometimes they’re critical. Sometimes they’re relieved. Sometimes they’re angry. And all of that changes how you interact with them and how safe you feel emotionally around them. So your relationship with your family can become strained, or it can become stronger. But it almost never stays exactly the same.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, that really resonates because people don’t realize how connected all these relationships are. And then there’s friends too. I mean, that’s another big relationship change, isn’t it?

Kimberly Brown
Oh absolutely. Friends are another area where people often feel blindsided. Married couples usually have couple friends. And after a separation or divorce, those friendships can become awkward very quickly. Some friends feel like they have to choose sides. Some don’t know what to say. Some disappear completely because they’re uncomfortable. And sometimes you discover who your real friends are.

There are also practical changes. If your social life revolved around activities you did as a couple, now you have to figure out who you are socially as an individual again. That can feel lonely and uncomfortable. But it can also become an opportunity to develop friendships and interests that are truly your own.

I think one of the hardest things for people is that divorce can make them feel isolated. And isolation is dangerous emotionally. So even though relationships with friends may change, it’s really important to maintain connections, to reach out, to let people support you, and to understand that some friendships may deepen while others fade away.

Steve Altishin
And then there’s your relationship with your community, right? People don’t always think about that one either.

Kimberly Brown
No, they don’t. But community relationships matter a lot. Maybe your child’s school community changes. Maybe your church or religious community changes. Maybe you move to a different neighborhood. Maybe you no longer feel comfortable attending the same social events because people ask questions or because your ex-spouse is there.

Sometimes people feel embarrassed or ashamed after a divorce because culturally we still carry this idea that marriage is supposed to last forever. So they withdraw from their community. But community is actually one of the things that helps people heal and rebuild.

And then there’s probably the biggest relationship change of all, which is your relationship with yourself.

Steve Altishin
That feels like the core of everything you’re talking about.

Kimberly Brown
It really is. Divorce forces people to redefine themselves. For many people, being a spouse was part of their identity. Maybe being part of a family unit was part of their identity. Maybe they defined themselves through taking care of other people. And now suddenly they have to ask themselves questions like: Who am I? What do I want? What do I value? What kind of life do I want moving forward?

Some people discover strengths they didn’t know they had. Some people realize they’ve been unhappy for years. Some people struggle deeply with fear, shame, guilt, or anger. But no matter what, the relationship with yourself changes because you are no longer living the same life you were living before.

And I think one of the most important things people can do during a divorce is give themselves grace. Understand that this is a major life transition. You are not going to have everything figured out immediately. Your relationships are shifting. Your routines are shifting. Your identity is shifting. That takes time.

Steve Altishin
That’s really powerful. And honestly, it makes sense why divorce feels so overwhelming sometimes. It’s not just one relationship ending. It’s all these other relationships changing at the same time.

Kimberly Brown
Exactly. And when people understand that ahead of time, they’re often better prepared emotionally for what’s happening. It doesn’t make it easy. But it can make it less confusing. Because instead of feeling like everything is falling apart randomly, you can recognize that this is part of a major transition and rebuilding process.

Steve Altishin
Well, Kimberly, this has been really insightful. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this today.

Kimberly Brown
Thank you for having me. I always appreciate the opportunity.

Steve Altishin
And thank you everyone for joining us today. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy, and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at pacificcascadelegal.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.

Kimberly Brown
Yeah. I always say that my family likes my spouse better than they liked me. You know, I have a wonderful spouse. And if we separated, I think I'd be hard pressed to think that they would just stay in relationship only with me and choose my side. That's what I'm saying when I say that there's a different relationship when people separate breakup, they want their team, they want their side, and they want their side to be on with them and to feel just as angry or hurt or disappointed with the spouse or former significant other. And yet, if you've been together especially, you know longer than a week, the relationship that your spouse has formed with the family is their relationship and it's actually really separate from you. And so they may not want to lose that relationship with the other person. They may have fun fishing trips with them and they still want to go fishing with that person or they love to go and do quilting at Pioneer School. But you know, those activities bond them with family members and they still want to carry those out.

And over and over again, I see people be so hurt and so angry. “My mom still talks to my ex,” “my sister and my ex still go to movies together.” Divorce sometimes becomes a win or lose situation. We, especially as Americans, as people from the United States, we have this kind of winning mentality. We have to win, we have to prevail. And there's never a winning side in divorce. It's just, can you-- what's the best you can do for yourself and your children in terms of taking care of each other emotionally and whatnot. But we want to win, and the best way we can see about winning is “my family's cutting you out.” Right? And when that doesn't happen, we feel like somehow or another we've lost.

Steve Altishin
Well, and on the other side, you know, I like golfing with my brother in law. Now I can't, so you know, it feels like you're losing someone.

Kimberly Brown
Right, it's very painful when-- I mean, it's so funny to me. Because I hear from the spouse that says, “my mom still does this,” or “my brother still does that.” It is the same, “I tried to call my mother in law, I tried to call my father in law, and we always, you know, went golfing together and now he doesn't want to golf with me anymore,” or “she doesn't want to golf with me anymore.” And so there's just all this hurt, which comes into you, which then affects all of these other relationships we're talking about-- your relationship with your spouse, relationship with your kids, the relationship with the house, you know, you always hosted the Thanksgiving or Christmas event. Now, nobody wants to come to your house. Yeah, well, that's hurtful, you know, and understandable on all these other parts. It's awkward to have those relationships continue. And it just compounds.

And so I really recommend that to every client that comes into my office, Steve. I recommend they get into therapy, not because I think that they are mentally ill or because I think there's something wrong with them or anything like that, but because so much change is happening in every aspect of your life because for some reason the relationship has ended. And you need to be able to have somebody help you work through the anger, work through the-- mostly I think it's not, I don't think it's rage, it's grief. And that grief impacts everything.

And so you need to have somebody who's trained and licensed, who knows how to help you separate out what's grief and how's grief affecting that? And what is it that you want to be the relationship in the future? How are you going to co-parent with the spouse, because you have kids together, you're going to be in relationship together? How are you going to co-parent together in a way that is healthy for the children, healthy for you, and healthy for the other side? And sometimes you have to be the healthier one because the other side's not going to be the healthy one. They're not doing therapy or whatever.

And so you need somebody to help you learn how to reform the relationship in a way that makes you able to go to see the spouse, to exchange the children, to talk to the spouse about how well your child did at a basketball game. You know, and the therapist can help you with that. They can help you with learning to reconfigure your budget because your finances are less, learning to be grateful for what little you have. And if they got a new car and you're still in the 2008 Accord, that Accord has gotten us for 15 years, aren't you pleased that you have a car that's that safe? I'm using that that's kind of a simplification, but you know, you have to learn about these ways of being in a new relationship with everything.

Steve Altishin
Oh my gosh, and everything is right. It feels like dropping a stone, you know, in a lake it like a ripple effect. Everything you've described, expanding your universe of relationships. And I mean, even your friends, I mean exactly to make big changes because you know, now they have to make really tough decisions.

Kimberly Brown
Right. Right. Who's gonna get invited out? The next time you do your family, you know, your best friends you get to dinner together and there's eight of you and you always go to dinner. Well, that's a good number eight, it's a solid, all even number. One of you is not going to be invited to that because the other person doesn't want you there or whatever. And often, neither of you are going to be there because they don't want to make a choice.

But even more often, friends come from relationships that you or your spouse have separate from one another. “You, I work with Steve, you're my friend, because I met you here at work.” And you and I have had dinner together with our spouses, and you came into relationship with me and my spouse because we work together. And if Gail and I were to separate, I would want you to be my friend still and don't go talk to my spouse, don't say anything, you're on my side. And you know, you may really be like my family and like my spouse better than me or something.

Steve Altishin
I'm gonna be left out of the line group. Yeah, and I mean, just think about it. It as I guess everything sort of expands and even goes out to the community to your relationship with everything, you've got a school, a church, I mean, that whole universe affects how you relate to them.

Kimberly Brown
Churches are really, you know, a house of worship, whether it's church, a temple, or mosque is a really great example. You and your significant other spouse have been going to the same church for 15 years. And there's only one service time, and all your relationships at church are formed with the people that go to that service time. One of you sits in the back and one of you sits at the front. And that tension travels between the two of you. And it's awkward for everybody. I mean, across the room, everybody knows that those two people are not happy to be in the same room together, regardless of how large the sanctuary is.

And everybody's uncomfortable, and everybody's awkward. And both of you want to hang on to have that feeling that the religious ceremony and liturgy brought you together, you still want that feeling. And so you don't want to give up, it's like holding on to the house, you don't want to give up your service time or your worship community. So, and your friends are in the middle of that, trying to figure out how they're going to be in your worship community together.

It's just people, people are so surprised that they end up having to relearn to reform relationships over and over again. You know, you think, “Oh, I figured out how we're going to co-parent the children together. I'm just going to be civil and nice. And we're going to do this, okay.” Oh, now I have to learn how to reform the relationship with my in-laws or my now ex in-laws. Oh, now I have to do the money relationship, I have to do the house relationship, and it's wavering, it's wearing.

And that anxiety and that stress also then changes you some more. So you're constantly learning and relearning how to be in relationship differently than you would be if you'd stayed in the relationship together. And I'm not advocating saying that you stay in the relationship together. That's not what I'm asking. I'm just, I'm trying to advocate awareness, so that you're gentle with yourself, and your children, and the other side in a manner that just says, “I have to figure this all out.” But they're also having to figure it all out. And they're not going to do it the same way I do.

Steve Altishin
That leads to the last one we kind of discussed, which is you changes your relationship with you.

Kimberly Brown
Right, right. I want to go back to the thing I think I said earlier in this discussion, and that is that we don't usually go into a relationship with the expectation that the relationship is going to end. And none of us start there. And so what values that you take into your relationship about what it means to be in relationship, you've brought all of that in, and now the relationship has ended.

So whatever caused the breakdown of the relationship, I think that most people have at least a minimal sense that some of that is a result of something that I failed to do. It isn't always about that you failed to do something. It's not that. It's just you feel a sense of failure because your relationship broke up.

But if the other party was having an affair, and you found out about it and you couldn't repair the relationship and you separated because of that, even though that may be the event that led to the marriage breaking up, “what did I do that led that person to think they needed an affair?” You know, you have all of these things happen. And again, they're not necessarily realistic reasons. You know, you're not a failure. You take, you know, you did your best and things happen that you don't always have control over. But you've got all of this hurt and grief and loss of expectations. Your values are all up in the air and what you stand for didn't work before. So is it going to work again?

And so you change with how you are with yourself. Sometimes I think you treat yourself so poorly because you're so broken, that you have done something wrong or you're so broken because the pain is so overwhelming, because you were on some level betrayed or, you know, the agreements you made or the vows that you took weren't held as gently or as strongly as you did by the other person. And so you just end up in this place of “Who am I? Where am I in this world?” And again, that's why we need therapy.

Steve Altishin
That's it. That's it. We have blasted through time. But before we close, and before we thank you, I know you, and you are a great person, negotiation, mediation, drawing people together. So I'm going to ask a question that's kind of a little out of the ballpark on this, but not totally. Another bit of advice you would give, not to you, but to your brother, your brother in law, your brother's best friend, your best friend, to them when they're going through this?

Kimberly Brown
Right, the first thing I tell almost everybody in this situation is if you can, do not wipe out the whole relationship because of what happened at the end of the relationship. You entered into the relationship at some point because you cared about this person. And because of the way you were in relationship with them at that time, it fed you and it made you happy and you were excited. Don't forget that part.

A lot of times when people break up, they're so angry, and they're so hurt, and they're so frustrated, that all they can focus on is what happened at the end. But don't forget that the good things were there too. Because if you can go back to “there was a time when we were together and it was good,” I think it impacts your ability to change your relationship with the other person in a positive manner.

I did like you once. Let's figure out how I can draw on that. Well, the well of love and compassion and caring and wanting to be together, draw on that source to help affect, and to help impact how you go forward with that person.

Steve Altishin
Well, that's wonderful. And thank you, Kimberly, once again, as always, for sitting down and talking to us, no matter what we talk about. You bring a clarity, and a wisdom, that is really, really helpful. And again, today was no different. So thank you so much for being here.

Kimberly Brown
Thank you.

Steve Altishin
And everyone else, thank you for joining us today. And until next time, stay safe, stay happy and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at pacificcascadelegal.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.