The Power of Words: Book Recommendations to Help Children Process Divorce

If you would like to speak with one of our family law attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com/.

If you would like to learn more about Portia, or are interested in purchasing her award-winning book, "Best Friends Forever: A Puppy's Tale", you can visit her website: https://www.portiayclare.com/

Portia's recommended list of books include:

My Body Sends a Signal: Helping Kids Recognize Emotions and Express Feelings by Natalia Maguire and Anastasia Zababashkina

My Family’s Changing: A First Look At Family Break Up by Pat Thomas

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide For Changing Families by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Two Homes by Claire MacDonald Denton

I Have Two Homes by Marian De Smet

Divorce Is Not The End Of The World by Zoe and Evan Stern with Ellen Sue Stern

Mom and Dad Love Me The Same by Melissa Torres

Two Homes Filled With Love by Steve Herman

When Parents Separate by Dawn Hewitt and Ximena Jeria

Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray and Lee Wildish

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Steve Altishin
Exactly. And I think sometimes children need different kinds of approaches depending on their personality.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. Every child is different, and every child processes emotions differently. Some children are very verbal, and they want to talk through every emotion they’re feeling. Other children are quiet, and they internalize things. So having a variety of books that approach divorce and separation in different ways gives parents and caregivers more opportunities to connect with the child where they are emotionally.

Steve Altishin
That makes complete sense. And I imagine reading together probably matters just as much as the book itself sometimes.

Portia Y. Clare
Oh absolutely. The reading together is huge. It’s not just about the story. It’s about the child feeling safe and connected while they’re hearing the story. When a parent reads with a child, they are communicating, “I’m here with you. We can talk about hard things together.” And often children will open up during or after a story in ways they may not otherwise. Sometimes they will point to a character and say, “That’s how I feel,” or “That happened to me.” The story gives them language for emotions they may not yet know how to express.

Steve Altishin
That’s really powerful.

Portia Y. Clare
Books create emotional safety. And for children going through divorce, emotional safety is everything. Their world feels uncertain, so routines like bedtime reading or reading together after school can help restore some sense of stability and comfort.

Steve Altishin
I love that. So are there any books that specifically help children understand that divorce isn’t their fault?

Portia Y. Clare
Yes, and that is such an important message because children naturally personalize things. One excellent book is Mom and Dad Love Me The Same by Melissa Torres. It reinforces the idea that even though parents may not live together anymore, the love for the child has not changed. That reassurance is essential.

Steve Altishin
That sounds like something every child probably needs to hear repeatedly.

Portia Y. Clare
Yes. Repetition matters. Children need consistency and reassurance. Another wonderful book is Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray and Lee Wildish. The message in that story is beautiful because it teaches children that even when parents separate, the child is still connected to both parents through love. It’s a very comforting book for young readers.

Steve Altishin
That’s such a great concept.

Portia Y. Clare
It really is. And another important thing is helping children understand that families can look different and still be happy and healthy families. Books can normalize that for children in a gentle and loving way.

Steve Altishin
That’s such an important point because sometimes kids compare themselves to classmates or friends and feel different.

Portia Y. Clare
Exactly. And books help remove that sense of isolation. Children begin to understand that there are many different family structures and many children who share similar experiences.

Steve Altishin
I know you also wrote your own children’s book. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. My book is titled Best Friends Forever: A Puppy’s Tale. It’s an award-winning children’s book that focuses on friendship, kindness, compassion, and emotional connection. While it’s not specifically about divorce, it was written with children’s emotional wellness in mind. I wanted children to feel seen, loved, and encouraged through storytelling.

Steve Altishin
That’s wonderful. And I think books that create emotional comfort in general can be incredibly helpful during difficult times.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. Stories can heal. Stories can comfort. Stories can reassure children that they are not alone and that difficult seasons do not last forever.

Steve Altishin
Well, unfortunately we are getting close to the end of our time, although I feel like we could talk about this for hours because it’s such an important topic. Before we finish though, can you let everyone know how they can learn more about you and your work?

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. You can visit my website at portiayclare.com to learn more about my book Best Friends Forever: A Puppy’s Tale, my educational work, and additional resources for families and children.

Steve Altishin
Wonderful. Portia, thank you so much for joining us today. This has been insightful, compassionate, and incredibly valuable for families navigating difficult transitions.

Portia Y. Clare
Thank you so much for having me. It has truly been my pleasure.

Steve Altishin
And thank you everyone for joining us today. If you have questions after watching this, feel free to post them here and we’ll help connect you with Portia or one of our attorneys. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy, and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Landerholm Family Law and Pacific Cascade Family Law, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at landerholmlaw.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely, absolutely. There are a few like that that I have in my hand. And I'm going to look at this one next that's called, I Have Two Homes. And you can see it's written in first person, and this is written by Marian De Smet. And what's happening in this story is the little girl is taking the reader through the two homes in which she lives, I have this in this home, I have this in that home, I do this in this home, I do that in that home. And what you're finding is you're doing the same things in the different homes. But the bottom line is that wherever that child is, the child is loved. When there are activities that she does, maybe a sporting activity, both of my parents are there, they're still supporting me, at my recitals or at my soccer games, they're there for me. But I live in two different places, a lot of people have one of everything, I have two of everything. And as you read this, you realize, you know what, it's going to be okay. Because the bottom line is this, I am loved, wherever I'm living, the love that my parents have for me remains. If I'm at Daddy's house, Mom is still loving me. If I'm at Mommy's house, Dad is still loving me.

Steve Altishin
I just think, again, it's just a different kind of point of view. Each of these are the same, a lot of those same things, but from all kinds of different points of view.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely.

Steve Altishin
And some may resonate more with a kid than another. Like you just talked about, it's a beginning, it's not an end.

Portia Y. Clare
That's right.

Steve Altishin
In fact, I think you have a book like, Divorce is Not the End of the World.

Portia Y. Clare
Divorce is Not the End of the World, and this particular book that you're referencing is actually written by children, or older children, who experienced divorce. They actually had parents, this is by Zoe and Evan Stern, and it was written as a guide for children. They went through their parents having a divorce, and so they wrote a book for children that are their age, or other children who are going through divorce as well. Now, I think this would resonate well with students who are probably high school age, or perhaps a little, maybe middle school age, I think it's an excellent resource. For them, it's something that they can read independently. And they're recognizing that the authors of this book have gone through what they are currently experiencing, or what they will experience. So I think this will be essential for children who are a bit older, and I think parents would appreciate this book quite a bit.

Steve Altishin
And gosh, that's important, isn't it, that a parent who's looking to get some books for their their kid, or their kids, recognize sort of the age and adaptability of the books. That makes a difference, doesn't it?

Portia Y. Clare
It does, it really does. And the next book that I'm showing you, this book is about an eight year old. And it's called Mom and Dad Love Me the Same. The little boy in this story's name is William and he is eight. And it says that he has a lot of anxiety, his parents tell him they're getting a divorce, and he's worried about how his life is going to change. And so over the course of a year, he experiences many differences, and many similarities. He explains his observations to the reader. So this is an eight year old, walking the reader through what is happening with him. And it's helping children who are his age to understand divorce. And after all, the most important thing is what we've been saying, mommy and daddy still love me. Even though they may feel differently about one another, they do not feel differently about me, and it is not my fault. So this is written with a child's perspective for a younger child. So I love, I really love, how these authors have come up with different ways to communicate with children. This is a book where a child will feel safe reading, my friend William, he's the same age as me. He's close in age to me, and he's telling me about things that I'm experiencing now or I'm getting ready to experience. Oftentimes, as a teacher, we recognize that while we're trying to teach, children don't get it when we say it, but when we pair them with a classmate, that classmate has a way of allowing them or helping them to understand the concept. And this book is doing that same thing. I didn't share the author, please excuse me. This is Melissa Torres who has written this story.

Steve Altishin
Oh, it looks like a great story.

Portia Y. Clare
Yes.

Steve Altishin
And these books are not, I guess, necessarily meant to be read just one way. I mean, it's like, here's the book, go ahead and go read it. But a lot of these are, it feels like, with the parents.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. And the ideal, I think, would be that a parent and a child are sitting and reading it together. It would be absolutely wonderful if both Mommy and Daddy were reading it with them. But the hope is that when the children are by themselves, or when they have a moment away from mommy and daddy, that they know that this book is still there, and they can go back to the book and spend some time on it. There may be a particular part of the story that stood out to them, and they want to read that part again. And so having that book in the house, after having read it with a parent, allows the child again, to maybe express some of those feelings. Remember, we talked about emotions and the timing of it all. And when a child is ready to share, perhaps that child will feel led to pick up the book and read it by him or herself, or with a sibling because you know, not every child who's a part of a divorce is an only child. You know, sometimes there are multiple children in a home, different ages. So maybe the siblings will share the book, one with the other, and talk about things amongst themselves. But having it there gives them the opportunity to go back to this resource and talk maybe just with themselves, or maybe as I said, with a sibling, and kind of walk through their feelings a bit more. And then the hope is that they would come back to mommy and daddy and maybe have some questions. Or maybe share, Well, this is how I'm feeling right now. Well, the book talked about this, it didn't tell me about that. Well, what's going to happen here? That's what we want. We want a line of communication. We want our children not to go within themselves and not talk. We want them to come and ask questions and feel free to do that. And I think that books are a way to kind of bridge that opportunity.

Steve Altishin
That makes so much sense. It's not just, kind of, go internal and all by yourself, but jump to talking about stuff. I think you had a book that was even like part of a series of books, I don't know if they're all on the subject, but I think one of them, isn't it about like, what happens when parents do separate?

Portia Y. Clare
Yeah, exactly. It's called Questions and Feelings About When Parents Separate by Dawn Hewitt. Can you see that? Sometimes we have pets, you know, what happens with my pet? Sometimes I have a pet in both homes. Sometimes my pet travels with me when I travel to Mommy's house or to Daddy's house. So this book, called When Parents Separate by Dawn Hewitt, it says part of the Questions and Feelings About series. This picture book was produced in collaboration with mental health and emotional well being charity chums to provide a starting point for parents and children to explore the child's feelings about divorce, focusing primarily on processing new and uncomfortable emotions. When Parents Separate is an excellent resource for dealing with the psychological challenges of divorce. There's so many questions, what am I going to do with my pet? Which house does Santa Claus come to? Where do I-- so many questions! How is it possible for me to continue doing both things? These are books that are helping parents to answer those questions for children.

Steve Altishin
I love that. I love that. And you talk about how sometimes kids feel at fault. You know, I broke it, how do I fix it? Are there books that can kind of can get to that?

Portia Y. Clare
Well, I think that some of the books that I've already shared with you are actually dealing with that situation, where a child is feeling as though my parents are divorcing because of me. It's something that I did wrong. And the children are expressing, My parents are explaining to me that, No, it's not what I did. Or another book might be saying it's because parents sometimes fall out of love with one another. Maybe they did initially enjoy talking to one another and doing things together, but then as time passed, they don't enjoy those conversations as much anymore, or they don't smile together as much anymore, or they don't enjoy doing things together anymore, but it's not because of me, it's because of something that's going on with them. And I think that's expressed quite a bit in most of these books. And that's essential for children to understand, it's not your fault. And some of the books are talking about parents getting angry, and sometimes taking the anger out on the child. And perhaps speaking with a tone that's a little bit harsh, but it is not because of what the child has done, it's because the parent is sad also about what's going on, and it's difficult for the parent. So it's not easy for any person, but it is particularly challenging for the children. So I liked the way that the books are expressing the kinds of emotions that can be experienced by children and their families. Sometimes children get angry at their parents, some of the books talk about that, and then they have a tone with mommy and daddy, because I'm mad at you, because you're deciding to leave me and change everything that I know, and everything that I want. And then that will lead to a conversation. So there's so many different ways that children can relate to the characters in the stories. And that's what I was talking about books providing that safe place. That's me, you mean, somebody else actually feels that way, that actually can happen? I think that's important for children to know that they're not the only ones who are experiencing that. And these authors have done an excellent job of giving children an opportunity to see themselves within the pages of these books.

Steve Altishin
Wow, these were really, really great recommendations.

Portia Y. Clare
And there's one more that I want to share with you.

Steve Altishin
I'm ready.

Portia Y. Clare
And it's by Melanie Walsh, and it's called Living with Mom and Living with Dad: My Two Homes, and it's basically telling you the same thing that the others are, that your parents don't live together anymore. So sometimes you live with mommy, sometimes you live with daddy, these are the things that I do with mommy, these are the things that I do with daddy, these are some things that we still do together. You know, how do we celebrate birthdays? What am I going to do at my birthday time, you know, maybe we'll be at Mommy's house and Daddy will come. Maybe it will be at Daddy's house and Mommy will come, maybe you'll have two different birthdays, you'll have one at Mommy's house, you'll have one at Daddy's house. There's so many different things that occur, but it allows children to realize that your life will continue, your parents will still love you. And you'll be okay. And in most instances, our children have both of their parents in their lives still, after a divorce. There are times when that is not the case. And that's a conversation that parents will have to have as well, that things are different and they may never be the same again. But having these books to read with your child opens that door for a conversation that helps them through what they're experiencing. If these books do not discuss the particular things that parents are experiencing with their children, with their divorce, they may help with drawing out that conversation, and mommies and daddies saying baby, we'll work through it together. This is new for both of us. This is new for all of us. But the one thing that we want you to know is that you're loved. And the love that we have for you will never change. Where you live might change, where you go to school might change, how you go about your daily routine might change, but you have me. And you have that community of people that we talked about initially. There's a support system in place that is here to let you know that you haven't done anything wrong, that you are precious, that you are priceless, that you are loved. And you are supported. And I think that's the message that all of these books share.

Steve Altishin
That's wonderful. Just before we go though, I do want to kind of hit on one thing, because you are a children's book author.

Portia Y. Clare
Yes, I am.

Steve Altishin
I would imagine that there are even books that aren't about divorce that can be helpful. I mean, there's a range of books that cover different emotions that may come in, or looking to the future, I mean, I imagine that you don't necessarily have to just look at divorce books.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. Absolutely. We started with a book that was talking about our feelings and our bodies are showing emotions and sensing different things. The book that I have written is walking children through grief. In divorce, there is a sense of loss, and in death, there is a sense of loss. The title of my book is Best Friends Forever: A Puppy’s Tale. This is a story about a little girl who received a puppy for her fourth birthday. And that puppy became her very best friend, they did everything in the world together. And their family moved some years later, and the puppy had to ride in the luggage compartment of the plane. When that plane landed, the puppy was sick, the puppy was falling down, and other things were happening, and they discovered that the puppy had epilepsy. And epilepsy does not have a cure. And so her parents had to help her walk through the process of understanding that eventually, this puppy that she loved so well is going to pass away. And that's a conversation that's dealing with loss, just as divorce can feel like a loss, it's a loss of 'my normal' for children. And so this book, like you're sharing, like other books, can hit on some topics that relate in some way to what a child may be experiencing for divorce. And I hope that my resource of care will be helpful for children who are going through grief and loss of a pet.

Steve Altishin
No question, no question. And we are out of time, but I really want to take some time to also maybe tell how people can get a hold of you if they have questions about this, or just about books, or want to talk about your books?

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. You may contact me through my website, which is portiayclare.com, and you can find that information about me there. And you can order an autographed copy of my book from my website as well.

Steve Altishin
I love it. I mean, having gone through a couple of dogs, I look back and go, God, we really could have used that.

Portia Y. Clare
Oh, absolutely. Yes, I think adults can relate to it as well. And the other thing I wanted to share before we go, though, is that these books might be written for younger children, but you know, what I found, even as an adult or even as a teenager, children's books actually help grownups as well. They're simply written and they're easy to understand. So they're not just for children, and they're going to help mommies and daddies as well.

Steve Altishin
There are about three books I read to my kids a lot, and I still refer to them, as I'm talking with adults about situations because they were great books, like The Sign of the Seahorse.

Portia Y. Clare
Absolutely. Absolutely. That's the beauty of books.

Steve Altishin
I agree. That's the beauty of books, you know, and like you said, you never can get too much. I have to admit, I am going through my eighth, I think, reading of Lord of the Rings now.

Portia Y. Clare
I understand, I understand.

Steve Altishin
Oh my gosh. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for bringing your knowledge and all of that great experience to talk about this. Thank you so much.

Portia Y. Clare
Thank you for having me. I have thoroughly enjoyed it and my hope is that parents will be helped by what we've shared today.

Steve Altishin
Oh I know they will. And so everyone, thank you as well for showing up today. If anyone has further questions again on today's topic, you can post it here and we can get you connected with Portia. And until next time, stay safe, stay happy, be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Landerholm Family Law and Pacific Cascade Family Law, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at landerholmlaw.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.