Transitioning from being a married couple to being adversaries in a divorce case is nearly always an extremely difficult and emotionally draining experience. And it doesn’t help that this very personal matter is potentially going to be subject to review and judgment in an impersonal legal setting. The result can be that, in many ways, your divorce can be one of the most challenging times in your life.
While it can be daunting to have to make decisions about your family and property in the midst of the turmoil of your marriage ending, it is important not to let your emotions dictate your decisions. While it may be that you are angry with your former partner, acting from a place of anger or grief can cause you to do things that will ultimately harm your case and the fallout that comes from it. Fortunately, if you stop and think before doing these five things in your divorce, can vastly improve your odds of having a better outcome in your case – and in your life.
Tell Your Children That Your Spouse/Ex-Spouse Doesn’t Care About Them
Why it’s harmful:
Telling your child this can damage their self-esteem. making them feel that they are the problem or that they are not worthy of love. It can also make them feel unsafe and insecure. Children are not equipped to handle this kind of emotional burden, creating anxiety and insecurity. Hearing negative things about one parent can lead a child to reject that parent, which is harmful to their relationship with both parents and forces them to choose sides. Making them feel they need to pick one parent over the other is a heavy and unfair responsibility for a child.
What to do instead:
Focus on your love for your children, reassuring them that both parents love them unconditionally and that nothing can change that. Use age-appropriate language, explaining changes in a way that is simple and easy for them to understand, without going into unnecessary or hurtful details. Emphasize that their routines and access to both parents are a priority and will not change, if possible. Create a safe space for them to talk about their feelings without fear of making you angry or sad. And avoid blaming or bad-mouthing the other parent or speak negatively about them to the children.
Talk Trash To Your Friends About How Bad Your Spouse/Ex-Spouse Is
Why it’s harmful:
Sharing private details can be seen as a betrayal of trust if your partner finds out. This can impact your necessary relationship with your spouse. Constant venting can become a habit that makes it harder to solve problems constructively with your partner. And if the relationship improves, you may feel embarrassed when you have to face the friends you vented to. constantly demeaning an ex is a way to temporarily boost your own ego at their expense, which can be taken as a lack of emotional maturity. It can cause others to view your spouse or ex-spouse negatively, making their relationships and reputation difficult to repair.
Children can feel hurt, guilty, or ashamed when they are caught in the middle of their parents' negativity. This can damage their relationship with both you and your ex-spouse in the long run.
It may also seriously impact your legal situation. Courts may view a parent who speaks poorly of the other as uncooperative, which could impact the outcome of legal decisions on parenting.
What to do instead:
Make a concentrated effort to keep your emotions in check, even if your spouse is talking trash about you. But this does not mean talking with your friends at all about your divorce, just don’t turn it into a boxing match. And if you need some help on this, consider working with a marriage or divorce therapist who can help keep you centered and looking at the goal line, which is a divorce that is fair to you, to your children, and yes, to your spouse.
Compare Your Divorce With A Friend's Divorce
Why it’s harmful:
Every situation is unique, and each divorce is fact-specific, depending on factors like length of marriage, assets, income, and children. This can easily lead to inaccurate expectations. What happened in your friend's divorce may not be a relevant guide for your own situation. This can just worsen your emotional distress, making you feel that your own divorce is unfair or that your friend is getting "more" or "less" .
What to do instead:
Keep the focus on your own journey. Remember that your friend’s divorce has their own set of issues you're unaware of. It's a reminder to stay self-referential and concentrate on your own life and needs rather than trying to use someone else's experience as a benchmark.
Refuse Every Request From Your Ex-Spouse Out Of Spite
Why it’s harmful to you:
It's understandable to feel that way, especially when facing challenges with co-parenting or a post-divorce situation. But refusing every request out of spite can hinder effective co-parenting or the necessary separation of shared assets. This can ultimately create more conflict and stress for everyone involved.
What to do instead:
Prioritizing the children's well-being and always acting in the children's best interest, regardless of personal feelings toward the ex-spouse, if the request relates to the children. Focusing on the immediate, practical issue at hand and avoiding emotional or historical arguments.
It’s always good to establish clear boundaries and criteria for evaluating requests (e.g., is it reasonable? Is it in the children's best interest? Is it an emergency?). This replaces the "spite" element with objective decision-making. By focusing on objective criteria and professional communication, you can make sound and fair decisions, rising above emotional responses.
Tell Your Spouse You Are Going To Go For Their Throat
Why it’s harmful to you:
A highly contentious approach often leads to more litigation, which significantly increases legal fees without necessarily improving the outcome. And aggressive tactics can further damage an already fragile relationship with your spouse. If children are involved, a working co-parenting relationship is essential for their well-being, which an all-out legal battle can jeopardize.
Focusing on revenge can make the emotional process of divorce much harder and delay healing. Therapists and divorce coaches are better equipped to handle the emotional aspects, allowing the attorney to focus on the legal matters.
Judges prefer parties who are reasonable and trying to resolve differences. A client seen as the "high-conflict person" may be viewed unfavorably by the court.
What to do instead:
While you may be emotional and want to "get revenge," overly aggressive, revenge-driven approach to divorce is often counterproductive and not in your best long-term interest for several reasons. The most effective post divorce ex-spouse relationships focus on practical, legal goals (e.g., fair asset division, child custody arrangements) rather than emotional satisfaction.