How Co-Parents Can Utilize Sleep Science to Help A Child Struggling to Sleep in Two Households

• Why do children have problems falling asleep or staying asleep in two households?
• How can coparents go about addressing their kid’s sleeping routine now that there will be two places where the kid sleeps?
• What should coparents consider when setting up a sleep environment in each home?
• Is it necessary for each home to have the exact same bedtime systems in order to create a cohesive environment?
• How can you support your child during your visitation if they’re missing their other parent?
• Is it a hopeless cause if your co-parent won’t get on the same page about creating a cohesive environment and sleep routine?
• How do co-parents deal with the lack of routine and upended sleep schedules during holidays or vacations?
• ...and much more!

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Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Steve Altishin 14:56
That makes complete sense. And I imagine that when one household has one set of rules and the other household has another set of rules, that can really confuse kids and make it harder for them to settle down and feel safe.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 15:12
Yes, absolutely. Kids thrive on predictability and consistency. That doesn’t mean that both households have to be identical, because that’s not realistic. Different homes will have different styles, different rhythms, and different personalities. But when we can align on some of the foundational things around sleep, that helps children feel secure. They know what to expect. They know what bedtime looks like. They know what the routine is. And when children know what’s coming next, it reduces stress and anxiety around sleep.

Steve Altishin 15:46
So what are some things that co-parents should focus on if they’re trying to create a healthy sleep routine across two homes?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 15:56
I would focus first on the basics. Bedtime routines should be calming and predictable. Things like brushing teeth, pajamas, reading a story, cuddles, maybe listening to soft music—those things signal to the body that it’s time to wind down. We also want to look at timing. Having bedtime and wake-up times that are somewhat consistent between both homes really helps regulate the body clock. Nutrition can also play a role. Making sure children aren’t having large amounts of sugar right before bed, or too much stimulation in the evening, can make a big difference.

Steve Altishin 16:35
I imagine transitions themselves can also be hard, especially right after the exchange between parents.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 16:44
Yes, transitions can definitely be difficult. Some children need extra time to regulate emotionally after moving from one home to another. So one thing I often suggest is creating some transition rituals. Maybe when they arrive at the other house, there’s quiet connection time. Maybe there’s a snack together, or reading together, or just a predictable activity that helps them settle into the new environment. Sometimes children come in carrying stress, excitement, sadness, or overstimulation from the transition itself, and we need to give them space to decompress.

Steve Altishin 17:22
That’s really interesting because it sounds like you’re saying sleep problems aren’t always really “sleep” problems.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 17:30
Exactly. Sleep is often connected to emotional regulation. If a child feels anxious, overwhelmed, disconnected, overtired, or overstimulated, that will show up at bedtime. So sometimes when parents say, “My child suddenly won’t sleep,” what’s actually happening is that the child is struggling emotionally with the changes happening around them. Sleep just becomes the place where we see it.

Steve Altishin 18:00
What about situations where one parent is really trying to keep consistency and routines, but the other parent isn’t really on board?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 18:12
That definitely happens. And while it’s ideal for both parents to be aligned, I never want parents to feel hopeless if they can’t fully control what happens in the other household. Children are actually very adaptable. What’s most important is that they have at least one predictable, safe, calm environment. So if one parent is consistent with routines and emotional support, that still has tremendous value. We focus on what we can control rather than getting stuck on what we can’t control.

Steve Altishin 18:47
That probably also lowers conflict between parents, which I imagine helps the children too.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 18:54
Absolutely. Children are very sensitive to conflict. Even when parents think they’re hiding it, children often feel the tension. And stress absolutely affects sleep. So sometimes reducing conflict and creating calmer transitions can improve sleep more than any particular bedtime strategy.

Steve Altishin 19:19
What about holidays and vacations? Because routines can completely fall apart during those times.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 19:29
They definitely can. And honestly, that’s okay sometimes. Life happens. Vacations, holidays, special events—they’re part of life and part of childhood memories. I think what’s important is trying to return to routines afterward. Some flexibility is healthy. We don’t need perfection. But if bedtime becomes completely unpredictable for long stretches of time, children may struggle more. So during holidays, I often encourage parents to focus on maintaining at least a few anchor points, like bedtime routines, comfort items, or sleep environments, even if timing shifts a little.

Steve Altishin 20:08
That makes a lot of sense. So before we wrap up, what would you want co-parents to remember most when it comes to helping their children sleep well between two homes?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 20:21
I would want parents to remember that sleep is deeply connected to a child’s sense of safety and security. Children don’t need perfection. They don’t need identical homes. What they need is emotional connection, predictability, support, and routines that help them feel safe. And if sleep struggles are happening, that doesn’t mean anyone is failing. It just means the child may need additional support while adjusting to a very big life transition.

Steve Altishin 20:54
That’s such an important message. Marie-Eve, thank you so much for being here today and sharing all of this insight with us.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 21:03
Thank you so much for having me.

Steve Altishin 21:06
And thank you everyone else for joining us today. If anyone has questions about today’s topic, you can post them here or contact us directly and we can help connect you with Marie-Eve or one of our attorneys. Until next time, stay safe, stay healthy, and be well.

Steve Altishin 15:08
Are there times when maybe having a routine is great, but there's, you know, I'm thinking of issues and times when, even when co-parents generally are in agreement, the routine necessarily has to change. I mean, there are different things going on in each family.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 15:32
Right. And I think there's a couple of ways to sort of approach that. So I'm talking about consistency, kind of being predictable. That's the 80/20, right? This is more like, this is typically what we do, but there will always be a weekend where there's something different or there's something going on, absolutely. So the idea with sleep is that we have consistency and rules so that we know what to do, and so that we can then deviate from those rules and come back easily. Right? So when it comes to routine, once again, this is not like every night, ever, you know? We want to do this, but it's to do it enough times that we know what to do. Right? And it is absolutely okay to deviate from those when life happens. Having said that, like you said, there are times where between the two homes things are just different. And it is not possible to have that, and that's okay. Now, whether it is from a sleep space perspective, or sometimes it just from a preference perspective. Say a parent prefers to do something, like they want to bed share, and then the other parent doesn't. And that's okay. If we can be aligned, that's awesome. I think that makes life a little easier for everybody. But if we can not, it's also okay, and we can work with that. Kiddos are very adaptable. Kiddos are very smart. And they can absolutely learn that there are different rules and expectations at different homes. Just like they learned that, you know, daycare may have different rules than at home, or school has different rules, or grandma, right? Like there's different places that have different rules. And as long as we're consistent with our world, kiddos can absolutely learn to navigate what's expected here and what's expected there. So I work with families all the time that for different, all sorts of reasons, have different expectations or goals when it comes to sleep. And we can kind of set it up. Yeah, we can set it up that way. Sometimes it's a little tricky at first, you know, like if the kiddo is going back and forth. And they're like, well, here I'm supposed to do this, and here I do this. And so when we change something at one home, and then they go back, and maybe they go to the old way at the other house, and then they come back, we can expect some resistance at first. But what I see all the time is that yeah, like the first time there's some resistance, but then, if we're consistent with this is now how we sleep here with some repetition, then it gets easier, right? And then eventually they can basically switch this way and that way very easily. As long as we've held consistent in our new way of how sleep is going to happen in this home.

Steve Altishin 18:11
Well I think what you're saying is, keep the routine in your home.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 18:17
Right.

Steve Altishin 18:20
As opposed to always trying to match and change and do all that kind of stuff.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 18:26
Yeah. Once again, we decide what we want to do in this home, and then we want to be consistent with what we do in this home when it comes to sleep. And if it matches the other home, that's awesome, because it just easier to go back and forth for sure. There's just more repetition, we're just even more consistent. But if that's not the case, and we have different goals and needs in this home, this is how we do it. And as long as we are fair and consistent and predictable in this home with the way we do it, kiddos will adapt and learn and be able to just sleep well, and be able to sleep well in both environments.

Steve Altishin 19:05
That kind of leads in to, you know, we've sort of talked about when parents are at least able to work together and are wanting to work together, but unfortunately in there are divorces and exes out there who don't want to work together. Let's talk about that a little bit. You know, when parents aren't on the same page, they aren't really even in the same book, what can they do? Or at least what can one of them do?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 19:44
Yeah, I work with families where I only work with one family, right? Like I work with one home and we sort of navigate this way; it's like, what do we need in this home. and understanding what's going to happen. What happens at the other home, and understanding what comes back. So I think one of the things that sometimes is tricky is that we get back a kiddo that's very tired, very exhausted. And that's going to be sort of tricky. It's like, Oh okay, after a few days in a different place, we come back and clearly the child is sort of really tired or off schedule, or it's been sort of tricky. But you know, sometimes it is what it is, and just starting to have a plan of like, this is what we're going to do, understanding that that first day back will always be a little bit tricky. So often, we expect that; we expect that the first day is going to be a little off. And then what can we do that day to make it an easy day? We go back, we have an early bedtime or an easy day, we're just really kind of relaxed that day, and see if we can just kind of get back on track. And then in our home, yeah, I kind of see once again, just the same idea of being very clear and firm and calm and loving about how we're going to help them learn to sleep this way. And when I think about changing sleep, it's not like, Well, today, I closed the door and you leave, right? There's lots of-- when I work with a family and we're like, Okay, we used to bed share, but now it's time, for example, now it's time in this home for the child to have their own room. There are lots of methods, and this is what I do with a family. It's like, Okay, this is where we are, this is where we want to go, what are the appropriate steps to do that? Are we making small changes, or incremental changes? What words are we using to explain that to the child ? Obviously, it depends on the age, but there are lots of ways to go about making changes in a way that supports the child and that's not too overwhelming, and to just be able to kind of meet them where they are, but still be able to teach them how we want sleep to be at our house. So when we talk about changing things, it's not just like, well, tonight, right? There are tools, there's a strategy, there steps that we can take to help make those changes and teach those skills and make sure they're successful.

Steve Altishin 22:11
And that's kind of the magic-- they're skills, and you teach them. You learn them, and it's like you said, it's not a one day thing. And that's where someone like you comes in. And it probably also helps them understand that it's not a one day thing, because it can obviously be very frustrating, you would think, for the parents.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 22:29
Yeah, so part of sleep, obviously, is biological, our body needs it. But a lot of it is behavioral. And it is a skill. Like sleeping independently is absolutely a skill that we have to learn. I think about it in the same way I think about learning; learning to walk or to crawl, at some point when it's the right time, kiddos need to practice and have some repetition to be able to master the skill, and we need to set them up to try to have that skills and practice these things. So yeah, understanding like, what are the child's skills at this point, their association, what do they associate with sleep? What do they need to fall asleep? What are they used to and how can you help them grow those skills so that they're like, yeah, I can be in this room, or I can fall asleep without you, or I can go back to sleep. If I wake up in the night, I don't need to come and find you. So a lot of it is building confidence to know that I can do it, and helping them know what to do. If I do wake up, what do I do? Maybe I breathe, maybe I just drink a glass of water. But yes, helping them build those skills, that confidence of being like, I can do that, and I'm able to take care of myself and go back to sleep.

Steve Altishin 23:47
It would seem that even if parents are cooperating about everything, and don't agree on many things, even then, the communication between the parents is awfully important because, as you were talking about, children learn at different levels, you know? And so for someone to at least understand or communicate about what's happening, it can help the other parent, even if the other parent maybe does things a little differently.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 24:22
Right. Yes. And sometimes kids, once again, kids are smart, right? And they can sort of, like, they do what they can get away with. And so often what I hear is that, oh my gosh, my child sleeps this way at the other parent's, but they never do that for me. Right? They don't do the same thing. They don't respond the same way. They don't behave the same way. I didn't know they could do it that way there. And so yes, even kind of sharing those kinds of things so that the parents like, oh, good to know that you're kind of behaving that way or you're able to do these things somewhere else. So yes, the more the more that parents are able to share a little bit that definitely can help us be on on top of things and be like, oh, yeah, your kiddo sleeps great on their own. How come you don't do it here with me? Right? And so kind of making those adjustments.

Steve Altishin 25:13
A little bit about, someone may come up to me, and I would ask, well, the year has a lot of different things going on. And should I keep to a schedule no matter what? Summer vacation, school, holidays vacation? Do I have to keep that schedule? Is there flexibility that we can have? How did those sort of weekend, vacation, special occasions work into this?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 25:49
Yeah, so absolutely, life happens. And we want to make those memories and we want to have those adventures and we want to go to places and be off schedule and all that. Absolutely. So I definitely encourage families to get off the schedule and, you know, enjoy things and not feel like you have to be at home and things are always going to be the same way. Having that baseline, right, because that's kind of how I think about it. If we have a baseline, we have something that we go back. We have something that we know will work for the family, and helps us be able to go offline and enjoy and do different things. And as the kiddos get older, yes, often we can have a different bedtime on the weekend, or definitely when we're traveling, we do different things or the holidays. Yes, during the holidays, we all typically start to go to bed later, maybe we wake up later. So absolutely, we can do this. But having a baseline is helpful so that you're like, Okay, now you're a little cranky, I think maybe we've been going to bed too late for too many nights. Now let's go back, right, let's go back to our baseline so that we have something to go back to. The other part of this is that some kiddos are way more flexible and adaptable than others. And so that's a big part of this is that if your child does well, they go to bed later, and they sleep in later, and that works well, then go with it. There are also some kiddos who are not as flexible from a sleep perspective. And as when you get off that baseline, you kind of pay for it, you know? Like their sleep gets worse, or they wake up even more. So I think part of it is kind of taking the lead from who your child is and how they respond to that. And if they're doing well then go for it. If you find that they don't, right, they're not quite as flexible, then maybe you know that, then you get to decide whether going off schedule is worth it, or maybe not as often because then you're like, Well, we had a really tough morning the next day or something like that.

Steve Altishin 27:47
A really tough morning the next day-- that kind of made me think of the communication of, let's say there's something happening the next day, they're gonna go somewhere, whatever, some out of the norm change. It would seem to me that for one parent who knows about it, it'd be important to relay that to the other parent that the next day may be different. And just as important for the parent who's getting the information not to say, Well, I'm not gonna listen to you, kind of a thing.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 28:24
Yeah, so I always think of parents as thinking about tomorrow, right? What are you doing today, and thinking about what does that do to tomorrow? And if yes, you're having the late night, but you're dropping the kiddo to their parent, or they have to go to schoo, well how is tomorrow gonna go based on the decisions I make today from a sleep perspective? And so yeah, sometimes, once again, it is absolutely worth it. And sometimes it's like, oh, okay, well we know they have a big day tomorrow, whatever that means, so then maybe today I will kind of, you know, do my part and try to keep kiddo on schedule so that they're at their best for this big day that they have tomorrow.

Steve Altishin 29:03
Can you give a tip on, and it's an issue that I know we had just in general, which was coming home from vacation. Let's say, you know, and especially now if this is a two parent household, one parent takes the kid for two weeks and bam, changes the routine. Is there anything, any tips about getting ready to come back to the norm?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 29:31
Yeah. I think part of it is communicating like, Hey, we've had so much fun on vacation. We did all these great things, but hey, we're coming back home and we're gonna have to go back to reality and what that looks like. Often when we've transitioned back, like having maybe an easy day when we're back home. It's like, okay, the first day that we're back, maybe not planning too many things so that we have time to sort of adjust and maybe focus on coming back. Depending on the child's age, but often it seems like if we've been going to bed later, waking up later, and you know that school is gonna start in a couple days, and that's wakeup time, it's just not gonna work. So then starting to wake them up earlier, that's usually sort of the first thing that we can do is that, okay, let's wake up earlier, let's wake them up and start to bring the wakeup time earlier and the bedtime earlier so that in a couple days, when school starts, your clock is sort of re adjusted to the timezone that we need to be in or the timing that we need to be in. So that's often the first thing is just kind of thinking about, okay, is this wakeup time going to work for me? And if not, then let's bring that, let's wake them up a little bit earlier, which then brings bed time a little bit earlier, because you can't just bring that time earlier. If you woke up at 10am, you're not going to be going to bed at 8pm. So we kind of need to wake up early, so that then we can shift bedtime earlier, which then they'll start waking up earlier on their own by just kind of getting back in that rhythm first. And yeah, just expecting that transition. And having said that, expecting that the first day of school might be a little late, that first morning might be a little tricky after this lovely time off, but that's okay.

Steve Altishin 31:14
Yeah, I mean, don't lose hope. I mean, one day backwards isn't a disaster. I'm looking and we're about out of time. This was really, really cool. But is there one thing that we missed or I haven't asked about that you'd like to just say to a parent who says, like, my kid just can't fall asleep, and I'm pulling my hair out, where do I turn?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 31:41
Yeah, I would say reach out. Because if sleep is hard, we can we can make it better. And so whether there's-- typically what's going on is more like habits and behavioral and things that we can affect. Every so often there is a physical or medical condition that can be causing some sleep issues. But thankfully, often, it's just more things that we can fairly easily adjust. So yeah, reach out to me, reach out to your pediatrician, but kind of ask this question. If sleep is hard, it does not have to stay that way. We can change that.

Steve Altishin 32:18
And I do want to remind everyone watching that we do have Marie-Eve's contact information on our Facebook page. Quickly though, if you want to shoot it out, is there an email or a website?

Marie-Eve Gagnon 32:31
So my website is probably the easiest way : slumbertimesolutions.com. Basically, the best way to reach out to me is you can schedule a free initial assessment call with me. And then we can just talk about what's going on and see if we're a good fit to work together.

Steve Altishin 32:48
I love it. I love it. Well, thank you, Marie-Eve, for being here today and really giving us an in-depth look into why some children struggle with sleeping and you know, some real tips to help them sleep better. And so thank you so much for being here.

Marie-Eve Gagnon 33:04
Thank you for having me on.

Steve Altishin 33:06
I loved it. And thank you everyone for joining us today. Again, if anyone has any further questions on today's topic, post it here, we can get you connected with Marie-Eve. And with that said, till next time, stay safe, stay happy, and we'll see you on our next one.

Outro:
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