How to Talk About End-of-Life Care with Your Parents

• Key conversations and considerations to have early on as a family.

• Important documents that are needed to ease aging and end of life concerns.

• The reason behind families avoiding these important conversations.

• How a health directive explaining preferences for end-of-life care is a gift, not a burden, to children.

• Tools and resources for you to navigate your aging and the aging of your loved ones.

• Finding professional help to facilitate family meetings and create plans for long term needs.

• Where to find information on aging concerns.

• …and much more!

If you would like to speak with one of our family law attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com/

If you're interested in getting in touch with Janice, you can do so by visiting her website: https://www.talkaboutaging.com/

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, and what I really like about what you're saying is this isn't all or nothing. It's not like one conversation, one decision forever. It's a process.

Janice Goldmintz
Exactly. And life changes. Health changes. Family dynamics change. Financial situations change. So the plan should be flexible enough to evolve as your life evolves.

But having no plan at all is what causes crisis. Because then people are making emotional decisions in emergency situations, and those are usually not the best decisions.

Steve Altishin
That makes total sense. So beyond finances and where someone might live, what are some of the other really important conversations families should be having?

Janice Goldmintz
I think one of the most important conversations is around healthcare wishes and end-of-life care. And again, nobody wants to talk about it because it feels scary. But honestly, it is one of the greatest gifts that you can give your children.

Because if something happens and your children are standing in a hospital trying to decide, “Would Mom want this?” or “Would Dad want this?” — that’s an enormous burden emotionally.

So having healthcare directives, living wills, powers of attorney, conversations about resuscitation, ventilation, long-term care wishes, all of those things are incredibly important.

And it’s not because you’re planning to die tomorrow. It’s because accidents happen. Illness happens. Life happens.

Steve Altishin
And I imagine people avoid it because they think talking about it somehow makes it more likely to happen.

Janice Goldmintz
Exactly. There’s almost this superstition around it. Like if I say it out loud, then somehow I’m inviting it in.

But the reality is, avoiding the conversation doesn’t prevent aging. It doesn’t prevent illness. It only prevents preparedness.

And what I often tell families is that planning ahead actually creates peace. It reduces fear because people know what the wishes are. They know what the expectations are. They know where things are located. They know who’s responsible for what.

Steve Altishin
And probably avoids a lot of family conflict too.

Janice Goldmintz
Absolutely. Because when families are grieving or stressed or scared, emotions are heightened. And if nobody knows what Mom or Dad wanted, then suddenly siblings may disagree.

One person thinks, “Mom would never want to leave her house.” Another says, “No, Mom told me she’d want care.” Another says, “No, we should bring help in.”

When there’s no clear communication, families end up guessing. And guessing can create conflict.

Steve Altishin
So having these conversations early really gives everyone clarity.

Janice Goldmintz
Yes. And it allows the older adult to maintain autonomy for as long as possible. Because they’re making decisions while they are healthy and capable of making them.

That’s empowering.

Steve Altishin
What about families who just don’t know where to start? Because I imagine some people listening think, “Okay, I understand why this matters, but I still don’t know how to actually begin.”

Janice Goldmintz
That’s very common. And honestly, sometimes families need help facilitating the conversation.

That could be a geriatric care manager. It could be an aging advisor. It could be a lawyer, a financial advisor, a social worker, or another professional who can guide the discussion.

Because sometimes families communicate better when there’s a neutral third party helping keep the conversation focused and productive.

Steve Altishin
That makes sense because emotions can get involved very quickly.

Janice Goldmintz
Very quickly. And there’s also often old family dynamics involved. Sometimes siblings fall right back into childhood roles.

So having somebody who can keep everyone focused on the shared goal — which is the best possible quality of life for everyone involved — can really help.

Steve Altishin
Are there resources people should know about if they’re trying to educate themselves?

Janice Goldmintz
Absolutely. There are wonderful resources online through aging organizations, government agencies, caregiver support organizations, and local senior centers.

There are also books, podcasts, webinars, and support groups focused on aging, caregiving, dementia, long-term care planning, and end-of-life conversations.

And honestly, one of the best things people can do is simply start learning before they need the information urgently.

Steve Altishin
That theme keeps coming up — planning before crisis.

Janice Goldmintz
Exactly. Because when crisis hits, people are exhausted, emotional, overwhelmed, and often making decisions very quickly.

Planning ahead gives people more options. More clarity. More peace.

Steve Altishin
Before we wrap up, if there’s one thing you’d want families listening today to remember, what would it be?

Janice Goldmintz
I would want people to remember that these conversations come from love.

Talking about aging and end-of-life wishes is not giving up. It’s not being negative. It’s not inviting bad things to happen.

It’s creating a roadmap for the people you love so they’re not left guessing during some of the hardest moments of their lives.

And honestly, that’s one of the kindest things we can do for each other.

Steve Altishin
Janice, this has been absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much for being here today and helping us navigate a really difficult but incredibly important topic.

Janice Goldmintz
Thank you so much for having me.

Steve Altishin
And thank you everyone for joining us today. If anyone has further questions on today’s topic, you can post them here and we can help connect you with Janice. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our website at pacificcascadelegal.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.

Steve Altishin
So you have something as the parent, and maybe I guess the shake, you know, too little hold it, I want to tell you about my values, you know, what I what I think is important, philosophically or just in general, is that a relevant conversation to have?

Janice Goldmintz
100%, because the truth is, as a child, I may want something from my parent. You know, I may want them to live forever. But as the parent, they may say, Look, I know if I'm in this situation where I would be on a ventilator, and that was the only way I could survive, I wouldn't want and I would want you to disconnect, you have to go with the value of the person who is going to be receiving the care. And the opposite way to, you know, if somebody feels like, you know, due to their beliefs, their religious beliefs, or whatever, you know, I don't want to discontinue any kind of treatment, I want everything you can give me because when God is ready for me, God will take me and yet the child is thinking, I don't want to see my parents suffer, what if they're suffering? Can I let them suffer? Because that's what they want. It is a hard distinction. But really, you have to go by what the person whose care, it's going to, you know, who's going to be receiving the care, you have to go by their values. And I think that that's also another reason why this is important. Because you don't want to be faced with a situation of an emergency. And you think, Oh, I don't know, I we've never had this conversation. Would they want to be on a ventilator? Would they want to DNR? I don't know, what do you think, what do you think, this way you can say here, I don't even have to make the decision. Here's the decision that that person already made. It's not for me to make, there you go. It takes that that pressure off of whoever is the one who has to make those decisions if the decision is already made?

Steve Altishin
Yeah, yeah. We there's an attorney in our office. So I was talking to her about what we were doing. And she was in that situation with her mom, she said, and you know, that they're, they're actually making that decision. And I did AdvanceTrac to them telling what they want, you know, turned out to be a gift. You know, because it wasn't, you know, oh, God, I have to decide whether to do this. I've, I'm following what they really wanted to do. Yeah, makes it a lot easier. What about the sort of support network around the parents? I imagine, especially as you get older, you get more? Do they get involved in this? Or do the children talk to them? Or, you know, do they fit into this conversation.

Janice Goldmintz
So I think that health professionals really can be very instrumental. Because sometimes people will listen to their health professional more than their child. And, you know, they're the expert. So sometimes engaging a health professional, like, let's say, you think that your parents shouldn't be driving anymore. For you to say, Mom or Dad, I don't think you should be driving as one thing. When a doctor or a nurse practitioner says you shouldn't be driving, they'll listen or the or, you know, the Department of Transportation or whoever it is that they see as the expert would be alive. Not that it would be easier for them not to drive, but to take that on, as opposed to a child saying you shouldn't be driving. Also, in terms of the health issues, if you're not well versed in some of them, bringing in a health provider can give you answers to what is this going to look like? How is this going to play out? How is this going to affect my parent? How is it going to affect our life as a family? Sometimes having that information can also help you make better decisions? Now, certain things like dementia, in every single person, it's different. So you can't there's no, there's no script. But at least if you have resources, you can go to the Alzheimer's Society and they'll give you a lot of information if that's what it is, Heart and Stroke will give you a lot of information. diabeetus will give you a lot of information so that you feel like you have what you need to make informed decisions. That you're not just Googling Google said but you know, again, I think that bringing people in in terms of the legalities for sure go to your lawyer, find out what do you need to have for a power of attorney a Living Will your your you know your your will or whatever else it is that you need? get legal advice. If you have questions about your financial situation, your investments, whatever, go to your financial advisor, get all of the the people who are supporting you To, you know, to live the life that you're living, to have it all together so that when you're sitting down and saying, Well, no, I think in five years, when I'm retired, I'm going to have this pension. So I will have this money coming in, or I'll have this investment income, or I'm going to lose this income. If you're not 100% sure of what that is, gather that information, and then have it. You know, at a meeting, as I said, it doesn't have to be one and done. You could have a number of different segments to that meeting.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's what I was thinking, as you're talking this is, this is probably not a single conversation. Ongoing one? And is, is it common? Do you see or? Or that? Or should it be, I don't know that that one of the children sort of becomes the point person, because you talk about all these things to have and to know, and they change, and it can be too many cooks spoil the pot of all the kids are trying to do it?

Janice Goldmintz
Yes. So one of the things that I think is important is for the siblings, if there's more than one child to sit down and say, What do you feel most comfortable? Are you more comfortable with the healthcare? Are you more comfortable with the property side? Are you comfortable making appointments and going to appointment? Are you comfortable, looking at the finances, whatever, whatever that is. And if you can come to an agreement, that's the best scenario to say, this is what I'm going to do this I'm going to do and everybody's comfortable. And that the person that is doing the hands on care will say, has the ability to say to the other siblings, you know what, I need a break, now I've been doing it, I need a break, I need one to do to step in. So I can go on vacation, or I can do whatever it is. So again, it's asking for what you need. And having everybody realize that, again, this is today's plan, I may need help, I may have to switch, I may need to do something else. The other thing is in terms of health care, a lot of places only want one point of contact, they don't want to have to wait for three people. So that's one thing that I learned in terms of power of attorney is that you have a choice of saying, Joe and Mary, or Joe or Mary. And it's really important to have that distinction. If you want to have everybody's input, then use the words and but if it's okay, if you trust each other, and let's say somebody is living out of town, and and you have the one child that's living in town, and you trust that child to make those decisions, and if you have or than any, any one person can make those decisions. And I think that's an important thing to speak about within your family.

Steve Altishin
Yeah, it reminds me I used to do some stuff with with healthcare and the one of the things that that people don't know is that HIPAA does not just allow doctors are insurance companies to talk to the kid just because they're the kid and they need to get it they need to get a in writing that they're allowed to even know what the insurance covers. Right? Yeah. So that kind of leads to you. As as an aging advisor, how do you get involved if I can do it? I say, Okay, here's the problem, my sister doing them, but brothers, don't let my mom and dad run on that. And we just can't seem to get going here or we started and now we don't know how to finish it. And where do you come in?

Janice Goldmintz
So what I can help with is facilitation. Because again, when you have an objective third party who has I have no agenda, I don't, I'm not going to tell you your plan is good. Your plan is bad. If it's your plan, and it works. So the idea is to have a third person or an objective party come in and say all right, what do you think? What do you think? What do you think? With no filter and just get everything down? Get everything on paper? And find out? What is it that you agree on? What is it that you don't agree on? And a lot of times it is the parents saying I'm good. I don't need this. And the kids saying, Oh yeah, well, you know, you leave the stove on or you don't have food in the fridge or your meals on Open. Or the opposite. The parents are saying we need help. And the kids are like, no, no, no, you're good. You're good. You're good. So sometimes you need somebody who can say all right, let's look at the situation from all sides. It's really bad don't want to say referee, I'm gonna say a coach. I'm gonna say it's a coach to say this is this is the structure and and to bring structure to it, because what you don't want is bickering and fighting, and then nobody wants to sit down at the table together, you want somebody to make sure that everybody is listened to and respected. And that you can come away at the end of it with that tangible plan. And sometimes you need a third person for that.

Steve Altishin
Well, in your case, you know, where the where the stuff is hidden, you know, how, you know, you could tell someone, well, this is how you can find someone's prescriptions. This is how you can find these things, their Medicare, a lot of people just as much as not wanting to it, it's, I have no idea where to go to get this information.

Janice Goldmintz
And that is, and that's the truth, too, is that there's resources out there, as I was saying that can help you to put that plan together that you may not even realize are out there. There's government programs, there's private programs, there's tons of information, but if you don't know where to look for it, it can be very challenging.

Steve Altishin
Yeah. Oh, yeah, Wow. Well, we shot through 30 minutes. That was quick, this was really good. This is really, really important stuff and stuff that it's easy to turn your head away and say, well, we'll do that next year. But they don't know what's going to happen next year, for next year. So I really, really think this is important. And before we go, I want to make sure that you can give everyone listening your contact information if they have more questions. And if we missed a point, you've been saying, Steve, I wanted to say this, and you didn't... well, do that now.

Janice Goldmintz
Sure. So I have a website. It's www.talkaboutaging.com. Because that's what we need to do. And I am more than happy to direct you to resources help you out, answer questions. And it's just Janice@talkaboutaging.com.

Steve Altishin
Thank you, thank you so much. Again, you just for sitting down to talk with us. You know, you're making important issues really understandable. And that's, that's a skill.

Janice Goldmintz
And it's important, it is important. And I as I said to you earlier, I thank you for bringing this out into the open because it's not it's not a subject that people generally think, hey, I need to sit down with my family and figure out what to do if I've challenges occur.

Steve Altishin
Yep, exactly. So thanks again. Thanks very much. Thank you, and everyone else. Thank you for joining us again. If anyone has further questions, today's topic, obviously you can get a hold of Janice, as she has told you or you can post it here and we can help you get connected with Janice. So until next time, stay safe, stay happy and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Landerholm Family Law and Pacific Cascade Family Law, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at landerholmlaw.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.