Divorced but Still Dad – The Importance of Being an Engaged Father & Co-Parent

• Why a divorce doesn’t sever your father-child relationship.

• How to be engaged, and not just present, for your children.

• Why amicable co-parenting is vital for all children impacted by divorce.

• Fathers who do not engage with their children do damage that lasts a lifetime.

• Faith principles and commonsense realities of fatherhood for divorced men.

• Understanding the psyche of men and their often-unspoken perspectives on fatherhood and responsibility.

• …and much more!

If you would like to speak with one of our family law attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.

If you're interested in getting in touch with Ken, you can do so by emailing him at kgordonjr66@gmail.com, or you can continue learning via his book: Divorced, But Still Dad: The Faith Principles of Fatherhood for Divorced Men.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Steve Altishin
Wow. That is incredibly powerful because I think a lot of parents feel this need to defend themselves. And what you’re saying is, sometimes the better choice is to protect the child instead of protecting your image.

Ken Gordon
Absolutely. Because eventually truth has a way of showing up. And what I always tell fathers especially is this: your children are watching your consistency. They are watching whether you show up. They are watching whether you keep your word. They are watching whether you engage with them.

Children may not understand everything during the divorce process, but over time they absolutely understand who was present, who was loving, who was patient, and who made them feel secure.

And one of the things that concerns me is we have a lot of fathers who think that providing financially is enough. “Well, I pay my child support. I buy the shoes. I buy the video games.” But children need more than provision. They need presence. They need engagement. They need conversation. They need memories.

Steve Altishin
That’s such an important distinction. Because there really is a difference between being present and being engaged.

Ken Gordon
Huge difference. Huge difference.

Anybody can physically occupy space in a room. But engagement means you know your children. You know what scares them. You know what excites them. You know what they’re struggling with. You know their favorite music. You know who their friends are. You know what makes them laugh.

And what often happens after divorce is fathers become what I call “event dads.” They show up for birthdays. They show up for Christmas. They show up for the big moments. But they disappear during the ordinary moments where relationships are really built.

And children don’t build trust based only on major events. They build trust based on consistency in ordinary life.

Steve Altishin
You also talk a lot about responsibility and the psyche of men. And I think that’s important because men sometimes don’t talk about these emotions openly.

Ken Gordon
We really don’t. Men are often conditioned to internalize pain. We’re taught to keep moving, keep grinding, keep working, keep producing. And many divorced fathers feel ashamed. They feel embarrassed. They feel like failures.

And unfortunately, some men cope with that by disconnecting emotionally from their children because they don’t know how to process their own pain.

But disengagement creates damage that can last a lifetime. A child who grows up feeling abandoned or emotionally disconnected from their father often carries that wound into adulthood, into relationships, into parenting their own children.

So I really try to encourage fathers to understand: your presence matters more than you realize. Your voice matters. Your encouragement matters. Your consistency matters.

Steve Altishin
That feels especially important because divorce can make fathers feel powerless sometimes.

Ken Gordon
Absolutely. Especially if custody arrangements change or if they don’t see their children every day anymore.

But I tell fathers this all the time: just because your access changes does not mean your influence disappears.

You may not control every circumstance anymore. But you absolutely still control your effort, your engagement, your communication, your love, your consistency, your example.

And honestly, children don’t need perfection. They need authenticity. They need to know that Dad is here. Dad cares. Dad is trying.

Steve Altishin
One thing that really struck me in your book was the idea that divorce may end a marriage, but it doesn’t end fatherhood.

Ken Gordon
Exactly. Fatherhood is not temporary. It’s not conditional. It doesn’t expire because a relationship ended.

And one of the things I try to tell divorced fathers is: don’t let divorce redefine your identity in the wrong way. You are not “just divorced.” You are still a father. You are still planting seeds into the next generation.

And honestly, some of the greatest opportunities for growth, maturity, healing, and purpose can come after divorce if men choose to engage intentionally with their children and with their own healing process.

Steve Altishin
Before we wrap up, if there’s one thing you’d want fathers listening today to remember, what would it be?

Ken Gordon
I would tell them this: your children need you more than you think they do.

Not a perfect version of you. Not a wealthy version of you. Not a flawless version of you.

They need an engaged version of you.

And if you stay intentional, loving, present, patient, and committed, you can absolutely continue to have a meaningful and powerful relationship with your children after divorce.

Steve Altishin
Ken, this has been fantastic. Thank you so much for sitting down and talking with us today.

Ken Gordon
Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

Steve Altishin
And thank you everyone for joining us today. Until next time, stay safe, stay happy, and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at pacificcascadelegal.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.

Steve Altishin
I kind of like that moving into the future. It's tough if you're just by yourself too. I mean, it’s harder to do it alone. Is there other ways to kind of get some support?

Ken Gordon
Well, so a couple of things about that. So the first one is the obvious question is, some people go looking after divorce to another person, to console them, to comfort them. And you know, one of the things I talk about is this concept of hide and seek. I think it’s critical in the development of your children that they don’t see you come straight out of a marriage and jump right into a relationship. And what’s even worse is if you come out of a marriage and jump into multiple relationships. Because remember, their self-esteem is tied to you and your actions.

And so you need to hide your relationships from your children until the time comes that you’re either very serious about a person, or until your children have matured to a point where they can understand who you really are as a person. And I think that’s critical.

But the other thing that I think is critical when you talk about support and doing it alone is therapy, clinical therapy. I’m a pastor and I get the luxury because I am a pastor to say what I’m about to say, because I have a PhD in counseling, I have a doctorate in communications, and I pastor a church. One of the worst mistakes that many people make is going to their pastor for therapy when things like this happen.

I understand that, you know what, if there’s something in your spiritual life that you need guidance on from your pastor, great. But there are a lot of issues which require real clinical therapy from people who are clinically trained. And this is what they do. That’s what I went to, that’s what I made sure my children went to.

And I would say to everyone, that’s the support. That’s where you get your support. You don’t get your support from the gym, you don’t get your support from a bar, you don’t get your support from these other temporary kinds of things. You get your support from learning from your mistakes.

Because here’s the thing, in every divorce, there’s not one person that’s 100% responsible. All of us can look at ourselves and learn and do better. And the way to really get the support is to get a clinical therapist and to really understand why things evolved the way they did and what you could have done differently or better, if anything, and at what point.

Steve Altishin
This is all really, like you said, common sense. Real stuff.

Ken Gordon
Yeah.

Steve Altishin
But I also want to kind of go back because we talked a little bit about what I would call the shame of divorce. Yep. And how that’s a very real thing. And this leads me, I think, to the other part of your book, the other part of the name, and that is the biblical and common sense realities that every man should adopt. Could you kind of go through a couple? I mean, one of the things that a lot of people are afraid to do is steer faith-based things, because between you and me, a lot of people have weaponized that on both ends. So now it’s like, “Oh, don’t tell me that,” because you know, there was wisdom of the ages in this stuff.

So could you kind of go through a couple of the ones that, you know, if I walked in and started to talk to you, you may say, “Well, this is what the Bible says,” and this is what they’re talking about?

Ken Gordon
Yeah, I’ll direct this to the man because this is really directed at what men need to do as dads.

There’s a principle, you know, that I talk about: protector, provider and priest. These are biblical terms. These are biblical concepts. But here’s the thing. What I say is that as a man, I believe God has called us to be protector, provider and priest.

But here’s what that means. He calls you to be a protector. But being a protector doesn’t always mean protecting your family from everything outside. A lot of times, being a protector means protecting your family from you. Protecting your family from your moods, protecting your family from your callousness or your coldness or your lack of communication or your aloofness.

Sometimes as men, we are not as touchy-feely and we’re not as tuned into our emotions, and so we come across as cold and unattached and detached. Being a protector means understanding that that can be the case and learning to soften when it is necessary for your children and for your family.

Provider is not just providing, bringing home the bacon. It’s not just going out and working 80 hours a week. It’s not just getting out and doing all of that. But providing also means providing love, providing self-esteem, providing validation.

And so we often don’t look at it that way when we think “Oh, my provider role only means money.” Because you’re only bringing home money, but what are you doing about their emotional support? You’ve got to provide for that as well.

And then finally, a priest means you’ve got to have a relationship with a higher power. Call the name whatever you want to call it, whoever you pray to, it doesn’t matter. But having a higher power, someone that gives you hope, is important for all of us in centering ourselves and having that foundation.

And that doesn’t mean sending your children to church or to the synagogue or the mosque. It means taking them. It means living a life that is principled. It means being better today than you were yesterday.

So these are principles behind the faith principles that are important because too many times in our relationships, we forget that we are supposed to be a protector, provider and priest. And that doesn’t just mean external-facing, but it means internal as well.

Steve Altishin
And that gets to one thing I was wondering about that you had talked about: the engaged father. And the importance of that.

To me, what comes up is that you remain in close contact and don’t change your fatherhood with your kids. That engagement with the kids seems to me to be super important.

Ken Gordon
It is. And I will tell you that what I take from being engaged is I get so tired of hearing people talk about men who are present in the household. Who cares if he was present if he was on his cell phone the whole time? Who cares if he was present if he’s on his Gameboy or Nintendo or has a remote and he’s sitting in his comfy chair looking at TV the entire time?

Being present means nothing. Being engaged is what children need, is what the family needs.

Being engaged means knowing your children and not just knowing that you have children. Do you know your children’s friends? Do you know their favorite music? Do you know their hopes and fears? Do you know where they want to be? Not what you want them to be, not creating a mini-me, but actually who they really are and what they really want to be.

That is an engaged dad who really knows his children, and again, not just knows that he happens to have children.

Steve Altishin
Well, unfortunately, we are again zipping through our 30 minutes. Before we do come to a final conclusion, is there something we didn’t talk about, or maybe an “I wish you had asked me that question”? Or a last sort of thing you would like fathers, dads, to take away?

And the other thing is, I shouldn’t say this book isn’t just for dads, is it?

Ken Gordon
No, no, not at all. So two answers to your questions very quickly. It’s not just for dads. And you know, my wife Leslie — and Leslie is my wife now — she says to me all the time, “You should change the title.” Because there are a lot of women who could really benefit from reading this book to really understand how men think and really understand where the bar should be set to be a man.

Leslie wrote the foreword in the book to talk about, “Hey, if you’re dating a man who’s divorced, these are red flags you need to look for.” My daughter wrote a chapter in the book to say, “Hey, if you’re a parent going through divorce, especially a dad, here’s how children feel when it comes to their doorstep.”

So no, it’s not just for dads, but it really can give you insight into that.

And as far as what I wish you would have asked me — first of all, Steve, you’ve been amazing. You’ve asked me some really great questions. The only thing I would say is that for all the men out there, I would just remind you of your legacy.

I don’t know of any men who don’t love their children. I just don’t. We love our children. And many of us are willing to do the hard work that it takes to make sure they’re good.

And I would say to you, if you stay engaged in spite of difficulty, in spite of hurt or pain or animosity or any of it, if you can stay engaged, then you know what? Your children will be better for it.

Steve Altishin
And that’s for the whole time. I mean, how old is your daughter now?

Ken Gordon
24. Yeah.

Steve Altishin
It doesn’t stop.

Ken Gordon
No, no. My daughter wrote the chapter in the book when she was 12. She’s 24 now, and just this morning I’m texting her giving her advice on what kind of laptop she needs for her college work. So it doesn’t stop. And because I’ve left the right legacy, it can continue the way it should.

Steve Altishin
Right. Oh my gosh, this was wonderful. I really, really want to thank you for doing this. What I really love about you is you bring this depth, advice and knowledge, but it’s clear, it’s understandable.

Ken Gordon
Well, I’m glad. Thank you.

Steve Altishin
Before we go then, people who want to maybe learn more or get in contact with you, how can they do that?

Ken Gordon
So I have a website called Dads of Faith. DadsofFaith.com. And that tells a lot about really the message that I want to give to men to encourage them and to get them to lean into fatherhood. And then it shares about the books that I have and contact information, etc. But Dads of Faith is how they would do it.

Steve Altishin
I love it. And you wrote some other books.

Ken Gordon
I did. In fact, I am writing a children’s series on engaged dads as well.

Steve Altishin
I love it. I think one is like Pancake Dad?

Ken Gordon
And Ice Cream Dad just came out two weeks ago.

Steve Altishin
How can you not love that? Well, thank you again for being here today.

Ken Gordon
My pleasure.

Steve Altishin
And everyone else, thank you for joining us. And if anyone has any further questions on today’s topic, you can post it here and we can help you get connected to Ken. But in any case, until next time, stay safe, stay happy and be well.

Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Landerholm Family Law and Pacific Cascade Family Law, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at landerholmlaw.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.